That ol’ Pillow Hug…

I really thought that when I threw myself into the puffy substance and gripped it to my face in a flurry of angry tears – that the prayer that tore through me had enough substance to materialize at some future point.

I didn’t know that those kind of spontaneously fired desires were merely wild emotions – and had no grounding in reality.

That there was no one.

Might never be any one.

That life was a cruel substance bound to flesh in an unwilled, unbidden, choiceless existence.

I didn’t know, and there was nothing to warn me.

But now, here I am.

Living.

Having been conceived before I had any opportunity in the decision…

When my parents still had some kind of agreement in mind, then I came into existence. And now I’m stuck. Stuck forever existing.

And all my hopes and all my dreams – all the ones that they say should exist and don’t, and the ones I thought would exist and don’t, and even the ones that have existed – yet don’t …

I’m realizing they’re just smoke and mirrors and jesters of a world that should have existed – and doesn’t.

It’s painful these caffeinated midnight thoughts that torment my mind in the normal daytime by numbing me into routine. It’s painful to think and breathe and even keep on keeping on.

But I have no choice.

I never did.

I never did.

I never did.

The silver lining

The truth is, that no matter how well off, or how poorly one is doing, the opportunity for gratitude remains the same.

I currently have nothing that I can justifiably complain about —and yet I want to die.

I’m not saying that metaphorically.

I honest to God, want to die.

Like if I had the smallest hope that suicide might work for me, I might attempt it with all the passion I have left.

But God’s already told me that i won’t be successful.

I wish I had some wry humor to interject here. But I don’t. I know that this is a serious subject, – one that perhaps shakes you.

I don’t know.

Don’t be shook. This is me at my most blunt honesty.

If you’re honest with yourself, there are real feelings you have that you’d never vocalize because people could understand exactly what you’re saying and still completely misunderstand you. I’m taking that risk.

This is not a cry for help.

This is me sharing my now; as ugly and as confusing and as selfish as it is.

I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

And what has me feeling so miserable?

Two incredible opportunities that I don’t want to choose between.

Welcome to the הֶבֶל -hevel- of life as i know it.

…

Despite all the hevel, the fact that I have the same chance at gratitude anywhere and anytime is the silver lining of grace God extends to us to help rewire and train our minds.

Gratitude helps scales of resentment and bitterness and pride and entitlement to fall from our eyes so we can see the good things He has planned for us; by faith.

Gratitude is a key element of faith. A component that is probably much like the spine of faith.

Faith isn’t something concrete. Scripture tells us that it isn’t something we can see.

Faith is a movement within ones heart and mind. It’s something intangible – yet visceral.

It’s more than an attitude. It is despite attitude. You can be deeply discontent, dissatisfied, and discouraged – and yet still be living and functioning from faith.

Gratitude isn’t something that’s defined or affected by circumstances. It can be definitely adopted at anytime, taken on like a suit of armor under which whatever other garments are worn are completely engulfed.

Gratitude is an attitude, an accessory, an embellishment. It is a spear, a javelin, a set of contacts.

You can be totally disgusted with life and completely choose to take up gratitude and let it shift your eyesight; your capabilities in the situation.

Gratitude enables and empowers faith.

It’s like faiths bodyguard.

It stirs you up to good deeds, good thoughts, and emboldens you to trust God where there is – often – no reason to.

But what about when you have every reason to and you just don’t want to?

Gratitude is a kick in the nuts to the selfish within us.

It is a helper against our flesh’s inclination to never be satisfied.

God’s given us special tools as believers. One of them that I realize I need to take up, is gratitude.

Please pray for me. I feel like this spear is too heavy to lift….

But maybe the problem is, not that I’m too weak – but that part of me just doesn’t want to. Part of me is so immature and wants to be spoiled and unresponsive.

Part of me is having a hard time caring.

Pray that I’d take this silver ring and wear it like I so love to do otherwise.

Hall –

When I read a story,

When I watch a story, it passes through me; like I am a strainer.

The big chunks stay behind – until they dissolve into my blood stream…

I can bear it all –

For a long time I can hold my breath and let the traumas rattle through my heart, tasting them as they pass, so that I can understand what I’ve been through. So I can fortify myself for what’s to come.

And if I stop being this hallway of stories, I’ll be like an abandoned high school,

Until the shutters fall off, and long forgotten homework scuttles over the still shining floors…

Graffiti on the walls, echos of the screams I never made.

I open another episode and let the dead in.