Psalm 7

2.21.2018

It feels like you.

like you are tearing me to bits

cause i feel hopeless

and i know youre the only one – no one can rescue from.

the lion i walk with

suddenly turns and tears me to pieces.

His jaw drips with my blood,

my mangled body at its feet.

It has torn and now it merely walks away…

.

would you tear me relentlessly?

Would you tear me up before you stand me in front of your panel of eyes?

Before a word was on my tongue

you knew it

surely you knew.

.

Pursue me

Search me

Judge me

.

pregnant with long stored up deeds and thoughts, the evil finally pounces

and i am down

But surely you are my shield

the protector and lifter of my head!

And yet,

you sit while we talk, and you sharpen arrows…

so carefully you sharpen your blade

yes,

your hands are scarred from battle.

a battle where you gave up everything

your death rattling last words

your victory scream into the darkness

your body for the vultures

willingly you gave yourself and you ask me to do the same –

But surely you are not this lion.

.

standing over me

its muzzle dripping with my blood.

.

justice

.

righteousness

.

they plot my demise –

roll it back on them.

Foil their plans

let the snake recoil back into the hole it came from

let violence wreak havock on them till they are no more.

.

i have done

.

i have done violence

i am not pure

you alone know.

You can search me unbidden

there is nothing not hidden

but here,

here i have walked with integrity.

I know.

You know.

to what degree i have lied or hid my intentions and all i can do is lie before you – everything exposed to your naked eye.

.

rescue

save

deliver me.

if i have done

then let

let him

bring to an end

and make

me dust

never to rise again.

only this:

Decree justice.

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Psalm 6

2.19.2018

People can say whatever they want.

i know what i feel, believe, and what i think.

they have no idea

the ball of pain

and anger

and the walls.

.

they tried to march around me and blow their little toy whistles and proclaim that my walls must fall.

ive been screamed at

and yelled at

hit and thrown

and frankly,

that’s why the walls are there.

.

But Jesus?

He sits in the road with me

and he just listens.

As i, weary from life

playing with dirt on the pavement

tell him, tell him most of what’s on my mind.

.

i have cried till my insides bled,

and the answers evaded me like a bug in a bowl of soup evades the spoon

and i am out of tears…

i do care

i care too much.

i care about more than you ever will.

it is how i was made

it is not a boast.

.

i wish that i could throw off this mantle

that makes my heart bleed in the middle of the night so that im woken without any consideration and beckoned to the electric chair…

.

and yes.

i dont care enough about what everyone else does –

But should i?

.

I am faint

my hopes are faint

my desire is faint

everything inside me faints.

.

anguish

.

time spins out like a spiders web,

almost invisible to the naked eye.

.

agony

.

im asking you

Come to me with a white flag for i cannot face your derision.

i cannot face your dissapointment

i cannot take another angry word about who i am and what i have done

– about what i cannot stop doing –

Coping.

.

coping is surviving in its most guttural form.

.

Survival

.

Unfailing survival.

the breath of God once breathed wreaks an eternal destruction

or resurrection…

i cannot remember from my grave like state

 – weeping

.

weeping till i know no more

for from dust i came and to dust i will return –

.

Worn out

.

discarded

.

dont discard my cry

for you are merciful

and kind –

you are long suffering

and long

long i have suffered

and my silence was only external

what a wreck i am in here

.

worn out

.

the flood engulfs me from within

.

my eyes grow weak and

fail looking for you.

Yet your promise never fails.

There!

On the baren heights!

finally the Son rises!

My prayer rises like early morning mist

from the place where i am stretched out –

and as the sunbeams stream out into the darkness the lions twitch and move away from where i lie,

They slink away into the shadows as the Son rises and walks steadily towards me from the grave.

Psalm 5

2.18.2018

Cloaks.

Cloaks of recognition –

Kilts,

kilts of clans and familys spanning generations

we know that those of those colors and stripes

you mess with their families they’ll come at you to strike –

Protection.

.

covered in his mantle is both protection

provision

and joy.

.

Gathering they glint in the light

their colors on parade,

they laugh and sing and dance

the dancing sets deep into your heartbeat

and you dance unable to resist…

with the colors

with the cloak

comes carousing

comes celebration –

.

and then there is the shield.

.

carried out to the battle

carried back from the war.

On one arm

Or

by many hands…

his body laid out with his cape wrapping his still figure – all courage drained away from his body thick with now, lifeless slabs of meat

won over a lifetime of warring….

preperation come to a standstill.

over.

the edge of his cape

hanging over the edge of the shield

flaps aimlessly in the breeze as they carry him back –

But I

.

I walk behind Him

.

His shield covers me and he promises me that he himself will be carried back before i ever will

because He

.

because He promises to sheild me

and i wear His cloak.

.

conversation

.

conversation can be silence.

it can be sighs

so even if i come with empty hands and a mouth full of sighs – do not turn away from me

.

Sighing i am holding out the only hope i have left

which is you.

.

so in the face of inpending doom

i come.

my mouth has been an open grave

my hand the writer of destruction…

i come.

in the morning

i come to

You.

.

dont turn away from me in my distress

i wait for your reply eagerly

.

i lay before you unable to lift myself off of the floor

.

eagerly i wait

.

unable.

.

unable to sing cause i have no song

unable to speak cause my throat has closed

over this:

my sin rises up before you

.

You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil

as i do

.

You say i will dwell on your house forever

You say the arrogant cannot stand in your presence

You say you will be a shield about me

You say you will spread your protection over me –

cloak

.

Yet here i lie.

unable to rise for the wieght of my arrogance has taken me  to the floor

where i lie

bloodthirsty and deceitful

i lie

unable to rise

and all my groans and sighs come before you

answer me quickly

consider my unspoken plea

.

in the morning i wake.

you have sustained me

and you

You terrify me with your willingness to bestow me with your great mercy –

.

Make straight my way then God.

Make a way where there is no way

for i delight in evil.

it lurks on my path

it chases me down

even when i stand where you have placed me

i look down and see her, bathing on the roof and i am overcome

.

i write feverishly through the night to kill him.

i hand the letters to the captain

knowing he doesnt know

and i send my friend to his death.

eagerly.

eagerly i await news so that i can feast on his spoils again.

eagerly.

.

and now.

as the sun sets again

i remain here

before you

my only hope in the face of my sin

and all i have is my sighs.

i am guilty.

i am  guilty of all you abhor and now

i am left here

.

i wait in expectation

knowing you should not grant me mercy

and still i sigh

.

have mercy on me God.

For you alone – if any – can.

.

surely i have no hope but you.

.

you alone will bless the righteous

banishing those like me from your sight…

Alas!

.

Listen to my cry for help!

Bless me – me too, my Father!