Walking…

I’ve been walking to and from work almost everyday which i’m sure has been great for my  overall mental and physical health. I’ve also been trying to drink more water – which so far hasn’t been great.

Why? Because frankly it tastes like acorn jelly. And if you haven’t had acorn jelly then you should – just so you know how much suffering i go through trying to drink water.

So. Yes. I pretty much hate water. Except for those times when I really work out -like in a gym –  or am doing out-doors work. Then magically water tastes like the best thing God thought up.

I wonder what in my life I have been avoiding because for me it is “water”.

Accepting those things and doing them despite the distaste is also a kind of walking for me. Walking that isn’t always welcome – but perhaps is needed for my healthy spiritual life.

I’ve been trying to step out of my spiritual comfort zone – as in: Listen more, hope more, pray more, keep my devotional life a daily habit. But so far the only benefit i feel is momentary in-the-moment joy/satisfaction.

The other night I pondered for a few seconds why I’m doing this. But then shoved the thoughts aside as I know its the sliver of action between me and total immaturity. It’s the habits I started upon arriving in Korea so that I could grow. I told myself before leaving America that if I wasn’t leaving this is how my life would have to look in order for me to grow this year.

But there’s more. There’s so much more to this. I have to believe it because I’ve looked back before with regret when i haven’t stepped forward in belief.

Even though i see nothing now, I am believing that when I look back a year from now I will have grown. Maybe in ways that I can’t and won’t see until then. Maybe in ways that I never will have a chance at again unless I do what I’m doing now.

A year from now when I look back maybe there will be more faith by then.

Maybe there will be more hope by then.

Maybe there will be more love by then. And all because I didn’t give up. Maybe each action is a sort of sowing. Maybe it’s a sort of watering and nurturing. Maybe what I’m not giving up on is not the devotions and the early morning routines – but me. Maybe what I’m not giving up on is me. The me God made me to be.

I can only test and see.

…………………………………

What are you doing that seems useless?

What are you hoping for? praying for?

Can you trust that God will sustain and guide you?

Can you commit your way to Him and keep going?

I know you can, if you will.

Give it a year. Then look back and see what grew.

God is faithful. I’ve seen that too.

Real talk

so I have this pet peeve with the church – I’m sure I’ve talked about it before, but it’s this knack for not talking about serious matters until the social media/world breaches the topic.

it starts somewhere, so I’m going to breach my wall. I’m going to be honest. Can you bear this with me? Can you allow me to be a sinner?

i have this problem. I heard a sermon about living wholey for Gods glory and about the things that keep us from living right. The pastor said the lust of the eyes is the lust for peoples eyes to be on you. I have that. This has been a problem since I was a very very small child.

i love clothes and I love my body. It’s (my body) nothing to boast about, yet I have this desire to be desired and withhold myself from that desire-er.

[i wonder if this is a key reason God hasn’t given me a good metabolism….who would I be at the 40lbs less – where I should be weight?]

i have this groveling grasping desperate desire to be lusted for.

uggg. It’s so pathetic and yet it’s so deeply rooted inside me.

so now I’ve confessed one of my issues.

Will you pray for me? For my healing? For my satisfaction in Christ and what He’s done? For a pure heart and a right mind?

Theres more but for now that is my confession; and now I wait for healing.

Month 1

It has been a month!

Today is my one month anniversary of being back in Korea.Surreal!

It’s been a month and 15 days since I sat in my car and took a breath and left my life of two years.

It was 2am. My heart was pounding in my chest.

I’d grabbed my purse and a few last things I’d tossed into a few paperbags and I’d tiptoed past my sleeping grandparents – stepped out into the dark and across the street to my packed car.

My breath frosted in the cool night air. I prayed that my car would make the journey.

And I drove away into the yellow light from my headlights.

……..

This month has been PACKED with so many unknowns and SO MUCH provision. The Lord has been with me every step of the way – from getting me here from the airport, to getting money I needed to survive the first month, to relationships with my coworkers, to courage to venture out and find a church community, to the smallest moments of people helping me in precarious situations.

I have been over and abuntantly blessed.

And still my brain and emotions are not engaging. I am still on an autopilot i fear to fight. I have skyped with my family once, I have emailed a few people, I have had dinner with a few koreans – and that – beside church – is it.

Something inside me is curling up for hibernation.

Arise o my soul!!!!

Our church bible study group is memorizing Isaiah 60 together – it’s really good. We’re just a few verses in.

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I wonder, where in your life are you “unrisen”?

Pray that I would find the strength and awareness to rise into what God has me here for. Pray that I would be steadfast in following His will and in seeking His face.

For i know He satisfies the seeking heart.