Because im lazy…

I do a lot of things because i’m lazy.

Like writing “short hand”. Things like “lol” and “ur” and “btw” and leaving my apostrophes out of all my didnt and im and ive and theyre and youre’s.

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Things like vacuuming once every two weeks cause i used to do it once or twice a day and no one cared or even noticed…and i realized it didnt actually look very different between two days and two weeks.

….

I’ve been watching my Grandmother when we play solitaire. And for a while i kept reminding her that her chances of winning increased if she didn’t play the cards in her hand but saved them for times when she could only move if she played one of them; last recourse style.

But of course her dementia – most of the time – doesn’t allow her to remember our conversations.

And i keep watching her play out every card from her hand whenever she can….and she loses every time. Why? Because the cards come up later from what’s dealt on the table that could have been played had she not played that card from her hand.

This reminds me of that part in history where Abraham couldn’t have kids with his wife….

Genesis 16:

Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar; so she said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.”
Abram agreed to what Sarai said. So after Abram had been living in Canaanten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian slave Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. He slept with Hagar, and she conceived.
When she knew she was pregnant, she began to despise her mistress. Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May theLord judge between you and me.”
 “Your slave is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her.

Wow.

He played what was in his hand….

Genesis 17:

God also said to Abraham, “As for Sarai your wife, you are no longer to call her Sarai; her name will be Sarah. I will bless her and will surely give you a son by her. I will bless her so that she will be the mother of nations; kings of peoples will come from her.”
 Abraham fell facedown; he laughedand said to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?”  And Abraham said to God, “If only Ishmael might live under your blessing!”
 Then God said, “Yes, but your wife Sarah will bear you a son, and you will call him Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him. And as for Ishmael, I have heard you: I will surely bless him; I will make him fruitful and will greatly increase his numbers. He will be the father of twelve rulers, and I will make him into a great nation. But my covenant I will establish with Isaac, whom Sarah will bear to you by this time next year.” When he had finished speaking with Abraham, God went up from him.

Genesis 21

Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. Abraham gave the name Isaac  to the son Sarah bore him. ... Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.
 Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.”  And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.”
The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking,  and she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.”
The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son.

Wow. The story TOTALLY changed – even to this day, because Abraham and Sarah played the cards in their hand rather than what was dealt to them on the table.

…..

DEAL WITH WHAT GODS GIVEN YOU FIRST!

And use the gifts and talents He’s given you alongside the strength and faith He provides.

Don’t try and solve it all!!!

Don’t try to fix it all with whatever/however you can.

That’s how your marriage falls apart.

Thats how you cheat on your spouse.

Thats how you end up lying

Or stealing

Or killing

Or running…

That’s how you lose your job

How you lose your friendships…

……….

I realize that i am lazy because i too tend to do that.

One thing i’m struggling with right now – (have been but getting better in some ways) –

Praying is hard for me.

Its much easier to say “o Lord! You know all things! You know that i love you!!” Like Peter did; then to be like David and fast, pray, and weep….

“While the child was still alive, i fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’

Do we pray for the unsaved like that?

When our friends are going through rough times or things they’d like to be blessed do we pray like that?

I find myself saying “i’ll pray” and throwing up a quick prayer so i can keep my word and also be done with it too.

“God you know what they need – please Lord help them….”

“Lord you know how terrible i am at prayer  – Jesus intercede for them!….”

………..

………..

…”Lord….give me strength to grow against the grain of my own selfishness and laziness. Only you alone can see my heart and give me the life and the faith and the grace that you alone possess. Strengthen me in my inner being so that i may follow you alone in all wisdom and godliness,”

…my eyes fade in my laziness…

………

1 Peter 4:11
If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

		
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words. too many thoughts to explain my crazy brain

Hello world!

Yup! Its that time again to bombard you with my thoughts. Doubt? Yup. Praise? Yup. Desires? Yup. Doledrum tantrums? Restlessness? Yup. Yup.

Bring

It

On!

Ok, maybe youre not thinking that. But i am!! =D

Ok. Onto interviewing myself and answering said stimulatin’ questions.

………

How is being single these days?

Haaahaaahaaaa. Ahmmm. Well. It’s confusing. I kind of use these techniques to get myself to do things i dont want to. Like psyching myself to not date or care about dating by telling myself God wasnt going to send someone till i was 30.

Im discovering that i set up a pretense that my spirit is now expecting something.

I keep looking at these amazing woman of God, single woman of God who want to be married and it seems arent doing anything to be available for marriage. And i dont like how they look. I dont wanna be them. So im left in a quandary: be actively searching or decide to be single the rest of my life; and be ok with it.

And i’ve discovered something else about myself. I enjoy the wanting more than the having.

And… thinking of marriage makes me feel trapped.

Ok, What have you been doing lately?/What’s been going on with you?

Weeeelll….its been a bit crazy. I feel like Gods been growing me – or at least my desire for Him to grow me has been growing. And i take that as a positive sign. I’ve gotten into a more regular habit of bible reading like i used to have. And i’ve joined a biblestudy from my church. Thats been amazing – doinglifetogether and all that…the feeling of knowing they’re there for me in prayer and just sharing their ideas and thoughts and home with me every week is really powerful to me.

I feel like the urgent hold to devote all my time to my grandparents bidding has relaxed a bit too. I’ve made time to run away a few times during the week and do a side job to get some gas change and also to go out and eat at a good restaurant in this little downtown historic place – alone. Time to just stretch out and not be a caretaker. Time to breathe…it feels like when i do this time stops; im transported into another realm. A realm i knew while i was in korea. The me universe where every moment is the only moment that exists and theres no fear or anxiety or future. I like that.

Just God and me and nothing else matters.

Getting back to stuff you do – like on your time with your Grandma –

Yea, ok. Well before i was trying to have regular projects that i did with her during the week – but then im not sure what happened, but we havent been doing that for a while. Shes been kinda doing her thing and ive been doing mine.

I planned to spend a LOT of time writing! Working on this book, but i keep getting the biggest bouts of thethargy and disintrest, so i started water painting – and thats been a huge relief for me. I can kinda get lost inside each brushstroke and next idea and color. I signed up for a few one-day art shows later in the year so i actually bought art supplies and am working on the pieces for those; exciting!

Beside that ive been stepping up a lot in cooking – scaled down my cleaning =-// and also keeping her pills refilled and called in and everything. I guess theres been a lot more relaxed sharing and emotional support for both my grandparents and my neediness with my aunt and her familys taken a step back so that they can spend more time pouring into eachother and reestablishing their family chemistry after the last 4 years of constant daily help for my grandparents.

I think thats good for them

And also allows me to spend more time being who i need to be; or at least figuring that out.

Also ive kinda been ring obsessed again this year. Uggg. So im trying to tame that down with satisfaction and contentment.

What breeds contentment?

So are you becoming more satisfied where you are right now in life?

Yes and no.

I’m sososo grateful for my church and cant imagine leaving working with the youth pastor and youth workers and kids – and my church family. I just love them all so much and im so grateful for the time with them and my Aunt and her family. I’ve had moments where i missed korea so much i couldnt stand it and times when i was content and realizing how much Gods teaching me about Himself and myself and life that i just couldnt be more grateful i was here.

The uncertainty of where God wants me to be and what Hes planned for my life and whats coming up around the corner, has me very very restless though.

The restlessness is making me nuts.

But i cant be more satisfied that Hes growing me and in some ways making me more godly/giving me godliness; — growing in me fruitsofthespirit.

So do you consider that you’re doing something great?

Lol! Right! –.–

Well yes and no. Sorry to keep answering like that but it kinda makes me crazy when people say stuff like that to me. I mean, i know that in some respects i’m really doing something wonderful and nice and special and right towards and for my grandparents. But part of me still can’t comprehend whywhywhythehell i’m doing it. And deep down i feel like my motives weren’t pure and that in some selfish way i wanted to or thought id get something out of it – and the other part of me knows that couldn’t be further from the truth.

But i wanted to do the “right” thing – and not be wrong. So i have really mixed feelings about what i’m doing and why.

K, so perhaps right now is your time for a little 1st Timothy 6:6! 

What’s that say?

“But godliness with contentment is great gain!”

Bring

It

On

Lord!

Lol – when He gives me peace i am so content!!!

But maybe this is my turn to learn what Paul said he learned in Philippians: to be content in any and every situation – in need or plenty and still be content whether fed or hungry, whether in plenty or in want – should i add whether at peace or distress? That i can do all things thru Christ and because of Christ and this is reason to rejoice always and not to be anxious. To be able to look at every situation and see whatever is good and right and noble and excellent and praiseworthy and true and lovely and admirable and pure and think on those things — and follow ways that are tested and show themselves to be glorifying to God, rather than hasty ways due to fear and anxiety and the wind and waves of evilness and darkness that can seem to be overtaking.

Why can i see those great things? Cause Gods peace will be/is with me and i can be still, and know Hes God and see things with a deeper and longer and stronger gaze…

Great! So if you could ask for a few things from God or your readers, what would that be?

Well honestly, prayer. Its been really amazing lately and also hard.

I cant cry out enough about how good God is!!!
I cant explain it – but in the midst of the hardest and most challenging time of my life i keep feeling grateful and keep having additional hardships passover me. 
I am seeing the goodness of the Lord while i live.
‪#‎dontbeblindomysoul

I think that we also need to be praying about whats going on in the world around us.

Theres a really steady peaceful life that many of us live with – realistically trivial issues – compared to the craziness going on around the world that are other peoples NORMS!!

I feel like acts are happening that are going to reverse how people who’ve done no wrong feel. That its going to create anger where there was no anger due to unjust acts leading to detrimental pain.

Comeonpeople!!!!!!
Stop being crazy before anything crazy happens!!
Look at what the kids are seeing!!!
I feel bad – so so so so bad- for anyone who is hurt on either “side”.
I never grew up seeing race, just people.
It confuses me so much how many racial things are happening these days.

… =(

Also….I recently kinda picked the scab of internet dating and theres also this guy…that ive known about and been chatting with for a while that im interested in. But my friend says hes clueless to know if someone likes him – or even how to like back….so….

I feel like my Grandmas times drawing near…but maybe that means another year of caring for her…or another ten.

I feel like Gods grinning wildly with His plans and it makes me crazy…lol

I feel like im realizing i like the wanting more than the having…. and

Im restless – so pray for my sanity and that He’d give me the strength to wait on Him.

Thanks!!! =)

………………….

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God is good to the broken hearted
He has compassion on all that He has made
Who am i that you are mindful of me?
That you show me splendors at your right hand?
That you condemn me to grace rather than judgement?
Where can i go to flee from your presence?
For here or there or anywhere – surely you are with me
I say to my soul “surely i will see
The goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”
…be at rest o my soul
in vain you rise early
And stay up late
Toiling for food to eat – satisfaction for your soul
Why in vain?
For while they sleep He provides for those He loves.

…………..

believable

Is this believable to me?

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And if it isn’t, why not?

And if it is, then what am i afraid of?

Why aren’t i more grateful for the inability of plans and desires? the lack of? the disappointments? the questions? the struggles?

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Are not – or would these not – be the food stuffs of adventuresome possibilities? The roots of goodness that cannot even be imagined?

Has my earthly experiences so clouded my judgement that God too has lost the benefit of the doubt?

Has my earthly father betrayed me so severely that my Heavenly Father doesn’t deserve my hope? my faith? my gratitude? my praise?

Is He not walking, swimming, running, climbing, crawling – sweating, crying, and even dying alongside me as i do so?

Is His heart not so bound up with mine that He dreams my goodness and wills my life?

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#memorizable

#liveuntiljoyscreams

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When we have “I don’t know why” situations in life, we have to make the hard choice to settle our mind with what we do know. Otherwise, the “I don’t know why’s” will sweep us away into treacherous currents of doubt and disillusionment.

So, I grab hold of what I do know.

I do know God is a God of protection. God’s love for me is so consuming, He can only have my best interest in mind.

I do know God is a God of provision. God’s plans for me are good even if they don’t align with mine. He will provide but probably not in the way I expect.

I do know God is a God of process. God’s process to develop my character to match my calling might include me having to learn to let go of something I treasure.

So that’s where I park my mind, my emotions, and my trust.

It’s not the tidiest parking spot on the lot. It doesn’t make the loss sting less.

But it’s a place I can wad up my run away emotions and hand them over to my perfectly capable and all-knowing God.
– Lysa TerKeurst