if you’d asked me this time last year I would’ve told you that I was crushed. At least I probably would’ve told you that I was being crushed and that I couldn’t take anymore. But I was wrong.
I was wrong about so many things, but I was so sure that I was right.
Everything inside me was screaming that I was dying. … Ok, not everything. But a lot of what I felt. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I couldn’t see God’s plan. I couldn’t see anything good beyond how I could get away to my true purpose. How I could move onto the next thing that God had for me.
When I found out that the worldrace mission trip I really wanted to go on in the future had an age limit I thought it was a sign from God about the next step for me.
Part of the reason I was frustrated was because I felt so constricted, everything was limited, and I didn’t feel appreciated — everything I did felt like it was falling into a big black hole of oblivion; where I also dwelt.
The place the eye cannot see.
But I wasn’t considering that the great I AM could see.
I didn’t forget, I just thought God had .
2 years into taking care of my grandparents and I wondered if in the major part of my life moving on, if God had forgotten to take care of me.
Something that I knew but I didn’t really realize was how creative I was becoming there with my grandparents. How much time I was actually spending in my creative side – that I hadn’t been for years. In fact I thought that my creativity was dying.
But now almost a year later – doing what I love (teaching kids in Korea) again, right where I thought I’d find my creativity and become more creative than I was before, I find myself unable to do anything creative. The hands that began painting so many interesting and creative paintings now find themselves browsing the Internet on my phone because I can’t think of anything to paint. … in fact, the very idea of painting seems boring and dull.
Whatever writers block I thought I had has been dimmed by the force of lethargy that has come over me since moving back to Korea.
In this stillness my glaring character flaws shine like neon lights as I lay awake at night. As I stare at the cursor blinking on an empty document. As I walk the flight of stairs yet again to my classroom…and remember the sick boredom that has only blossomed further the farther space and time take me from my grandparents kitchen.
Every free moment, when I look down at my phone and consider calling home. But that trigger makes me queazy. Thinking of questions. All the questions. And what will the consequences of my answers be?
i know most of you can’t understand.
i imagine you reading along and understanding and suddenly you can’t understand.
I grew up and I didn’t understand either. I couldn’t understand that trying to be safe then would propel me into a future where I can’t face or answer questions without fear.
It was something like this: my parents would grill me. And sometimes I didn’t know what answers they wanted. I didn’t know if they were real questions or trick questions – and I never knew what the consequences or results of my answers would be.
Sometimes it was nothing – but sometimes it could be emotional trauma for weeks…
i can’t even explain this clearly. Just that I realize now that deep down inside me there are answers that I don’t know to simple questions from people who care.
and I’m working through my triggers to better understand myself and overcome the weakness I find in my character.
Anyway, sometimes when you want to run away to find more freedom you’ll find you run away only to find that the limitation is within you.
I genuinely came back to Korea to save up money for the trip I hope to make in about a year, however, I thought with everything within me that once I left what I felt was a very confining situation that I would obtain
– creative freedom
and find myself in a more healthy mindset than I ever had before.
Instead, I found that my limitations had been eminating from within me.
And now I think that when I felt confined the Lord was trying to pinpoint to me what I find He’s pointing out here.
That there are weaknesses – wounds I have from growing up that need healing. Habits I learned as a child that are so unhealthy and limiting — habits that are self-limiting, that I need to break.
Parents. Can you do me a favor? Be so careful that your child’s honesty with you doesn’t become their own sentence.
Please be aware that your questions – if uncoupled with honest inquiry, trust, and understanding – can trigger careful answers based on fear and self preservation which will move to a place in their hearts above their relationship with you.