de-cember post

I haven’t written at all.

I haven’t even pretended to write; or walk either. December’s been a month to reevaluate, help others, and come to grips with what i need to do and have to do and want to do.

………

It’s been raining off and on today. The sky’s grey and the trees leaves quiver with each drop. I’ve finished wrapping the night before so all i have to do it wait for that moment when i place all my gifts around my Aunt and Uncles tree.

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My Grandmother writes a christmas gift card for her husband of 59 years. We sip hot chocolate and savor the silence.

……….

Thanksgiving was hard.

I struggled all november with what choices i had left in my life; aka this year.

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After dinner talking with my sudo-Uncle&Aunt i revealed the depth and agony of my struggle; my inability to see a viable way.

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Which lead to a family talk where i was released as a caretaker and my life opened up to the possibility of “If” and “When”.

…….

This opens both an exciting and frightening door in my mind. I am reminded again how easily i desire and how hard change is for me in reality.

It reminds me of the degree to which i strived and all that i’ve slacked off in or left undone. It gives me very little time to prepare for the next step and it awakens again the desire just to go to sleep.

It also pushes me to remember that He is sufficient for my insufficiency.

That what i lack – in fear- is faith and trust in Him. And that He has done enough to overcome my lack.

That is what this holiday is about. Him coming to do what we couldn’t so that we can have what He has; peace, joy, hope, and love.


 

Featured Photo credit: Conner Schuh

living in the amputation

 

I am not a graceful amputee.

Now, looking back on the last 19 months i realize that i did not in fact struggle as hard as i could have to grow. But i also wonder, how else could i have struggled?

I was like a brute beast. I did as i could, blindly flailing along. Grasping at straws and crying like an infant at the strange new world i found myself in.

I was not grateful.

I may have exercised love, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control….perhaps even kindness -and patience to some degree, but i now know i lack or need a lot of exercise in joy and peace.

Even in some ways my patience was a lie. Selective restraint. Selective kindness. My heart curling in whatever grace i could not suffer to hold out. Whatever understanding or gratefulness i could not extend. Just the teaspoon too much i could not give…so i took back whatever i lacked.


 

I kind of have this notion that i could overcome a physical impairment and go on living like some of these amazing people you hear about.

People maimed or born deficient in some way i am not and who lift up everyone around them. Who live as if they were not lacking in some way. Who do…honestly…what i dont even do now as a sound of body and mind woman of capable age.

And i realize something.

I am not a gracious amputee.

And unless i do something, or allow God to do something, or unless He stops listening to my whiny prayers for something that He knows will do me no good/unless He breaks out and swallows me whole, i will never live a gracious amputee.


 

All of us live with constraints of some sort. We all suffer losses, we all have people we can and should and do help – which in turn limits us in some way. This is our amputation.

How will you live with your amputation?


 

Be careful what you pray. God may give it to you.