I haven’t written at all.
I haven’t even pretended to write; or walk either. December’s been a month to reevaluate, help others, and come to grips with what i need to do and have to do and want to do.
It’s been raining off and on today. The sky’s grey and the trees leaves quiver with each drop. I’ve finished wrapping the night before so all i have to do it wait for that moment when i place all my gifts around my Aunt and Uncles tree.
My Grandmother writes a christmas gift card for her husband of 59 years. We sip hot chocolate and savor the silence.
Thanksgiving was hard.
I struggled all november with what choices i had left in my life; aka this year.
After dinner talking with my sudo-Uncle&Aunt i revealed the depth and agony of my struggle; my inability to see a viable way.
Which lead to a family talk where i was released as a caretaker and my life opened up to the possibility of “If” and “When”.
This opens both an exciting and frightening door in my mind. I am reminded again how easily i desire and how hard change is for me in reality.
It reminds me of the degree to which i strived and all that i’ve slacked off in or left undone. It gives me very little time to prepare for the next step and it awakens again the desire just to go to sleep.
It also pushes me to remember that He is sufficient for my insufficiency.
That what i lack – in fear- is faith and trust in Him. And that He has done enough to overcome my lack.
That is what this holiday is about. Him coming to do what we couldn’t so that we can have what He has; peace, joy, hope, and love.
Featured Photo credit: Conner Schuh