Dear Parents


Here is a little letter from me:

I am not a parent – but unjustifiably i feel like partly parentish. I had 9 living siblings ok, of which i was the second eldest. I started babysitting when i was 13 – because everyone thought i must know how to take care of kids because i had so many siblings. I did actually. It was second nature. Sometimes i’d do a biblestudy 40+ kids a night; by myself or with a sibling. I started changing diapers when i was 3 or 4 and i didn’t stop until i was 28. I almost cant believe that is been a few years since i changed the diaper of a baby…..

So believe me when i say, “i have a taste of what i’m talking about”.

I need you, desperately need you, to listen to me – even though you may already be doing these, this will confirm that you’re going in the right direction.

So please, don’t click away. Read to the bitter end and either be convicted or confirmed.

My dearest brave people,

I know. It’s scary. Getting married opens the door for talk and possibility of kids. It’s part of the reason i’m still single. Being a parent is a HUGE responsibility.

It will call on all the resources you thought you possessed; but now find lacking. It will make you google or buy books or go to groups or even talk to other moms – or even perhaps God forbid your hard to talk to/deal with/estranged Mom.

Those little eyes have no prior scenes to compare what you show them. They have no other universal knowledge. They have no words of wisdom but the ones you shout in frustration at your neighbor, your Mother, your sister, uncle, cousin, husband, wife.

They will not be able to figure out how to resolve conflict with their school mate or teacher or coworker, unless you show them with your spouse.

Perhaps the first conflict resolution they see will be the schoolyard fistfight. The movie knife fight. The television punch of ugly words.

Who was your hero? Your mentor? Your greatest influence?

Be them.

Did you have one? What did you need? What did you desire?

Be that.

2015-08-27 14.19.01

I saw this little video:

where the little sister covers her brother in peanut butter – and my first thought was that they felt free to just explore and a little part of my spirit cried out for my own lack of innocent freedom as a child…

I wrote my sister sending her the video:

Can u imagine feeling free enough in your mind as a kid to just be creative and explore like this without any inhibitional fear? #wow#mindblown”

Never in my wildest imagination would i ever have thought of doing this – and even if i had thought of it fear would have kept me from it.

Not fear of punishment. Fear of losing love.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t know anything else but what i grew up with. I thought we were getting the better end of life than most kids. In one sense we were. And in another we were not even by a long shot.

There is too much, that goes too deep and would burn little scars in your throat and mind if i wrote it now.

I’m sure there will be time to write another “Dear brave ones” letter; i’m sure i will think of more to say,

But for now, my burdened mind just wants you to know these two things:

1.Your kids need the best and rightest version of what the world could be. Because you are and will always be thee foundation of all their thinking and reality of the world and how things are and should be. If you teach them wrong they will always be fighting to think and do right.

And you are the only one that can do the bulk of that.

And in that, Christ is thee only one who can give you the strength to say “i’m sorry” and the power to kneel before your daughter or son as a Mom and say “Mommy was wrong” or as a Dad and say “Daddy was wrong” or to kneel before your spouse and say “i was wrong”.

Christ is thee only One who can give you the power to resolve your anger with your spouse with kindness.

Because your kids need that.

They need to see how to do resolution.

They need to know the power of God in your life.

They need to see you falling apart and God to paste you back together because perfect love casts out all fear.

2.They need to be able to smear their sibling with peanut butter and have you laugh with them.

Because they’re kids. And they don’t know any better. And they’re experiencing things for the first time.

They need a reality of the world that is unclouded of hate and ugliness without God.

They need you.

And maybe you need them too.

I do.

I need you.

I didn’t get this. I didn’t get the apologies. I didn’t get the permission to feel and touch and taste the kindness and goodness of foolish fun and free laughter.

I thought i did.

But so does a dog who lives all his life tied to a pole. Fed, but never running and rolling in the grass. Never chasing his tail foolishly.

I was the good dog who never barked and always licked the hand of my master and was never allowed off the pole.

I need to see you loving your spouse and loving your kids.

I need to see good models of families because my reality is tainted, tattered, and torn.

I need you.




I’ve wanted to do this for a while.

Like irl, totally.

But this blog concept “whensday” belongs to my dear friend R.W. @ so please don’t attribute this brilliantness to me! And also check out her blog, because you WILL be encouraged!! (And see that her whensday styles sooooo much more brilliant than mine, so i feel ok stealing her whensday to express myself ;))

When sorrows like sea billows roll….must be whensday

When joy abounds …..when was that? => I’ve already forgotten: whensday.

When i am pressed down and shaken – but it has nothing to do with blessings: whensday.

When.. when.. when i just want to run away

When i know i’ve gotta stay

When you know you’re writing silly cause:

When it’s 10:22 but i got up at 6:30am (hit snooze) – When i got up at 6:45am (hit snooze) – When i got up at 6:50am (hit snooze) – When i got up at 7:00am (hit snooze)

Ok. You got the picture.

I actually didn’t get up.

When it’s 10:24pm but you got up at 7:50am to take your car to the mechanic because its doing wierd things and you don’t want to end up dying on the freeway.

You don’t want your car to end up dying on the freeway.

So you feel like it’s 2am.

When you realize 7:50’s late for most people to have to get up

When you’re grateful you live with a 95 and 93 year old who eat breakfast at 11. But realize you shouldn’t be …….- because adults, real adults get up while it is still morning and aren’t grateful to slack off…or shouldn’t be.

You…they…..we….ok, I should be striving to better myself.

When you realize another thing: you need to stop spending in the moment. But honestly, to be able to do what one can for oneself and others whenever is such a sense of freedom – and one of the only ones in your current life.

That time when:

■ You finally wrote like that girl wrote on her blog that you loved so much

■ You cheated by writing most of this on tuesday night and posting it at midnight…

■ You get words of life from your friend in the mail


■ Your friend was gracious again to help you financially so your stress level would be alleviated and your grandparents stress level would be avoided – thus deferring any future stress for you yet again.

■ You figure out you know how to cut hair (since you’ve been able to cut your grandmother hair for over a year and have once again retained the moves)

■ The only free time you had all day -yesterday- you totally forgot to bring your bible or any other reading material with you and ended up having three hours of wait time till you could get you car from the mechanic….spent it blog writing in Staples at a desk in a very comfortable chair….vaguely wondering what employees were thinking of you, and unendingly grateful they didn’t bother you/ask you to leave; despite the fact that you looked like a got-up-at-750am-threw-on-a-very-baggy-jacket-and-thats-it-bum.

■ You have to decide yet again, whether to go to your parents court case or not

■ You can’t wait for your sister to visit you

■ You can’t wait for your friend to come so you can meet her boyfriend and best of all spend a week at the beach with her

■ You’ve been pretty solid with posting so feel you actually do have a blog!! =D
■ You finally made your blog more public and now feel exposed, excited, possibilities.

■ You can’t wait to see what Gods going to do with what you’ve wrote; and wonder if you ever will

■ You got a scholarship to a woman’s retreat later in the year and can’t wait

■ You skipped bible study group by accident because you forgot about it altogether in attempts to help out a friend – and feel terrible about missing….especially because the fellowship is so sweet

■ You can’t wait for Youth Group to start again because you get to work with HighSchool too now, and you can’t wait to see how high schoolers are compared to junior highers #forthekingdom #deeper?

■ You realize this blog post is mostly purely silly and wonder if you should even post this
■ You did not water your plant, you realize… now you can post a picture just like she did in her blog

– but realize that this is just sad, sad, sad….
■ You just ran out of awesome stuff to say

■ You read something last minute on fb that is so bittersweet…because it makes you reminisce on your own childhood and how you were manipulated…the guilt…the shame….the fear…



And how your family is shattering in a thousand fragments ….how you thought of your family: shattering. And you reach out to recapture it…to pull the pieces back together, cup the shattering fragments and curl your fingers to hold it together…. and your fingers, your fingers are sliced apart as the pieces fly through.

■When you feel how a song sounds….

■ whensday evening thoughts:

brought so low: What could?


What brought this man so low?

He walked up – pulled a chair next to his cart and then looked into the garbage. Without any inhibition he pulled out a discarded bottle of scented girly lotion and then a cup half full of ice and melted coffee water, that i’d just seen a woman throw away not 2 minutes before. Then he pulled out an old mcdonalds cup.

He pulled a paper bag off of his cart and took out some kind of juice which he poured carelessly into the ice – and then used the mc-D cup to thoroughly mix the drink with the ice by pouring it back and forth from one cup to the other.

*Slosh-slosh!* the juice sloshed and poured, spilling down the side of the wall and onto the ground unnoticed –

He sat and pulled out all the food he had –

His pantry for the world to see?

Then inspecting them he began to toss whichever he fancied into the trash….


My mind went blank.

What had brought this man to this point?

He was not bad looking. He was not weak or limping or crippled.

I pulled a chair near him “what’s your story?” I asked him. “What happened that you’re throwing away your food?”

He mumbled…he moved his chair away.

“Ok, i’ll give you space,” i walked away.

What on earth brought this man to this point?

Functioning, he discards his safety, his hygiene, his rational.

He’d pulled a cut off can lid from his jean pocket and laid it on the wall.

His protection?

“He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
He burns the shields with fire.”

He burns the shields?!?

Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.


This man does not know The Fortress.

What has brought him to this point?
The bow, the spear – the shield.