Sometimes we just need to out ourselves. Why? Because we need to say, “World, I’m a real person with so many faults. And God loves me so much – I can’t bear it. So I know He can love you too. He does. No matter how far away you feel.”
Yesterday was one of my worst days in Korea. I have this fantastical idea in my head that I love adventure and I’m brave and I’m kind of an overachiever…..and I’m sure I’m somewhat those things…
but I’m a follower. I love to be invited to go on adventures- but I don’t usually venture out myself.
There’s too many unknowns. I can’t handle the stress when something goes wrong or unexpectedly. I have doubt that God sees or cares what’s going on with me.
– so yesterday I stepped out believing that God would make a way – but it was more like hope than belief, cause later when I was waiting (for a promised place to stay the night) in a dark staircase for my friend to come home I was weeping beating my head against the wall.
Everything felt against me. Everything felt foreboding and terrible. I felt scorned and rejected. I felt useless. I couldn’t believe my way out of my unbelief in Gods provision or care for me.
Honestly I just wanted to give up on everything.
I wanted to board a bus, go home, and be MIA for the camp I’d committed to help with that week.
I wanted to lay on my bed and disintegrate into the blankets.
i wanted to just disappear and never ever show up again.
So if you ever think that I have something you lack, or if you ever envy my spiritual life, read this and know that whatever you’re seeing that’s enviable is the Lord. And not me, or of me, at all.
I confess, that I have unbelief and God is still working to reveal those places of distrust, those places of sin. And I realize that to the level that I step out in faith and obedience is the amount of grace and growth I will experience.
If you’re feeling frustrated and futile I want you to know that God still wants to use you, still wants to be in relationship with you, and still sees and cares and has a plan in your life; and this rough place doesn’t throw God off. It doesn’t sand away the good He’s planned for you. That your anger or your anxiety doesn’t faze God. He wants you to go ahead and invite Him into that moment too. And He wants to bring you peace and joy and life in and thru and in the midst of that.
Later that night all my anxieties were ironed out. I woke up the next day refreshed and I had my best day in Korea ever.
and God already had a plan; and it’s a plan for your good.