the only thing He wants

So it’s time to talk about this; mainly because i was just thinking about it – so if i already wrote a whole blog post about this, i’m really sorry; I don’t think i have.

Here’s something relevant:

The watchtower.

Remember this part? (If you didn’t see this movie you need to, it’s worth it.)

So remember that this watchtower was number’o uno capture goal to getting out of prison!

Ok, rewind. Back to me.

When i was growing up, my parents were not only pretty controlling but sheltering as well. There was an element of trapism. Your actions were directed and manipulated by the ever ready spankin’ stick and tongue. There was very little – if any – budge room. Where if you even say the wrong thing, revealing that you in fact were thinking the wrong thing/way, you were lectured until you acknowledged your agreement. They did this by asking you questions finding out if you could verbalize the right wording they needed to hear to know you were in agreement with their mindset.

So in my family, you learned to keep your real feelings, thoughts, and opinions to yourself; lest you be ridiculed, belittled, or mocked by the two people who you longed approval (and love) from the most.

I clearly remember as a little kid, saying in my mind, “ok Lord, you can have everything – my whole life; but my mind belongs to me.”

Now i’ll tell you why that lead to my own addictions and struggles:

The mind is the one, central area/place that God wants utter freedom to reign.

I will reword that again.

That watchtower is number one on Gods list of takeover spots.

guardians-in-prison

Why?

Because the mind is the seat of all reigning beliefs: faith and hope and where Christ desires to take captive every harmful word that comes to destroy and devastate our hearts.

It is the pool that feeds the fountain of feelings and actions. It is the watchtower.

2015-07-31-13-06-02

The place where He desires to speak into my soul – the place where He wants to plant hope and joy and forgiveness and gentleness and self control and patience and the firmness of His love and salvation…

So in a way, i had made the worst decision i could have ever made! I’d decided to outwardly comply, but to allow a seedbed of evilness to root inside my inner chamber which became for me a refuge and a calm from reality. A place i could run to and hide in the safety of a world i controlled and an environment my parents could not influence or destroy.

Meanwhile Christ stood outside and knocked and i became addicted to a lifestyle of stress relief i could not escape.

……………………

Where are you right now?

What are you struggling with?

We all have something. We all have that thing that we feel trapped in. That thing we have shame over. That thing that we go to to be ok.

And i think we generally have this idea that we need to clean up and get right before Christ will enter, and help us grow.

If this is all you take away, i want to tell you this:

Just invite Christ in.

Invite Him into your lusts, into your pride, into your shame, into your striving, into your perfection, into your porn addiction, into your jealousy, into your guilt, into your anger, into your same sex attraction, into your grief, into your masochistic fantasies, into your lying, into your confusion, into your –whatever- struggles!…..

Say, “Jesus please enter into this depravity. Please come into this moment of lust – this place, this emptiness, right now….come in Jesus, and be sufficient for me.”

Because i’m telling you, He wants to come in and heal your brokenness, your broken heart. He wants to and will be sufficient for you.

That is what i am learning.

Jesus. Come into my doubts and fears and insufficiencies.

……………… ..

(#kylo – Danny Lee Silk)

(Header Photo credit: Dino Belenko, Everyday objects turned into magical still lives)

(Movie vid/pic credit: Guardians of the Galaxy)

moment.

Thats right.

I had another moment.

About how i always get sucked up in reading blogs about ‘weight loss’ and ‘thee food item you shouldnt eat’ or ‘should eat’. Or those ones about ’25 things you should have started doing by 25′ or ‘being meaningful at 30’ or some other headline having to do with what you should or shouldnt be doing; at my age.

Ug!!! Enough already!!!

Can’t you just tell people:

You are unique.

You are how i wish i was; mostly.

Be yourself.

Also listen to people whose judgement you trust.

Not whose judgement you dont want to come under – thats fear of someone whose actually probably a prett y negative person. A strong negative person.

Just avoid them altogether.

But find someone with whom you jive.

And if they have something to tell you, consider it.

Mull it over – chew on it until it becomes muscle memory.

And always strive to be honest.

Be true to what you believe is right and wrong; not stubborn. Stubborn is sticking to what you once thought was right and wrong when you come to realize something is true that contradicts what you once thought.

Be true to yourself and adjust your beliefs and your life based on what you now know to be true.

Thats being flexible in a good way.

Be flexible in a good way.

Always show off. Show off in how you work. Its ok to be good at what you do. Not trying things dangerously – boldly making and doing based on your skill level.

Show off.

Dont hold back when you know.

Speak up.

Be reserved.

If you hear something you dont know listen so that you will. And ask lots of questions. Thats how you’ll get to have the answers.

And if someone asks you something you dont know, Dont tell them you do. You might have to prove it. That would be self devaluing.

That would break down your own self esteem.

Dont be your worst enemy; because chances are – you are.

Ok.

Now i realize i’m doing it too.

Heres my advice for 30 year olds: if you arent living how ive said above then youre merely following paths in the side of mountains – and they ultimately lead back to what is comfortable and safe when the sun sets.

Be brave. Don’t let your fears, or your “used to”s keep you treading paths worn down by people you dont respect.

Dont be conquered and held back by your dislikes.

I am fighting this too.

Won’t you join me?

if i…

If i close my eyes for just ten seconds and imagine living in an apartment with white walls – lush carpets over wood floors, the windows open to spacious scenery of sky and buildings and greenery – oceans?

The buildings are old – european?

The sunlight is just how it is around ten in the morning, or two in the afternoon.

There is woods and glass – a staircase that echos just right.

I can lay on the floor – on my stomach – and roll a little and smile with my eyes closed …

And still; i am me.

My depressions and proclivities have not gone anywhere.

I could still just as easily complain.

My imagination isnt reality.

Its the polished floor that will be scuffed by reality.

It is a fantasy reality would rape.

In my ungrateful moments i fantasize that what i am imagining is draining away hope.

So i open my eyes and stop.