So it’s time to talk about this; mainly because i was just thinking about it – so if i already wrote a whole blog post about this, i’m really sorry; I don’t think i have.
Here’s something relevant:
Remember this part? (If you didn’t see this movie you need to, it’s worth it.)
So remember that this watchtower was number’o uno capture goal to getting out of prison!
Ok, rewind. Back to me.
When i was growing up, my parents were not only pretty controlling but sheltering as well. There was an element of trapism. Your actions were directed and manipulated by the ever ready spankin’ stick and tongue. There was very little – if any – budge room. Where if you even say the wrong thing, revealing that you in fact were thinking the wrong thing/way, you were lectured until you acknowledged your agreement. They did this by asking you questions finding out if you could verbalize the right wording they needed to hear to know you were in agreement with their mindset.
So in my family, you learned to keep your real feelings, thoughts, and opinions to yourself; lest you be ridiculed, belittled, or mocked by the two people who you longed approval (and love) from the most.
I clearly remember as a little kid, saying in my mind, “ok Lord, you can have everything – my whole life; but my mind belongs to me.”
Now i’ll tell you why that lead to my own addictions and struggles:
The mind is the one, central area/place that God wants utter freedom to reign.
I will reword that again.
That watchtower is number one on Gods list of takeover spots.
Because the mind is the seat of all reigning beliefs: faith and hope and where Christ desires to take captive every harmful word that comes to destroy and devastate our hearts.
It is the pool that feeds the fountain of feelings and actions. It is the watchtower.
The place where He desires to speak into my soul – the place where He wants to plant hope and joy and forgiveness and gentleness and self control and patience and the firmness of His love and salvation…
So in a way, i had made the worst decision i could have ever made! I’d decided to outwardly comply, but to allow a seedbed of evilness to root inside my inner chamber which became for me a refuge and a calm from reality. A place i could run to and hide in the safety of a world i controlled and an environment my parents could not influence or destroy.
Meanwhile Christ stood outside and knocked and i became addicted to a lifestyle of stress relief i could not escape.
Where are you right now?
What are you struggling with?
We all have something. We all have that thing that we feel trapped in. That thing we have shame over. That thing that we go to to be ok.
And i think we generally have this idea that we need to clean up and get right before Christ will enter, and help us grow.
If this is all you take away, i want to tell you this:
Just invite Christ in.
Invite Him into your lusts, into your pride, into your shame, into your striving, into your perfection, into your porn addiction, into your jealousy, into your guilt, into your anger, into your same sex attraction, into your grief, into your masochistic fantasies, into your lying, into your confusion, into your –whatever- struggles!…..
Say, “Jesus please enter into this depravity. Please come into this moment of lust – this place, this emptiness, right now….come in Jesus, and be sufficient for me.”
Because i’m telling you, He wants to come in and heal your brokenness, your broken heart. He wants to and will be sufficient for you.
That is what i am learning.
Jesus. Come into my doubts and fears and insufficiencies.
(#kylo – Danny Lee Silk)
(Header Photo credit: Dino Belenko, Everyday objects turned into magical still lives)
(Movie vid/pic credit: Guardians of the Galaxy)