diary

2.19

11:19am

“Incline my heart towards you Lord!”

Im not like her in my pain. I want to be
– but im angry and confused. Im self righteous. Im striving. I strive to be patient. I strive to wait on the Lord. I strive to feel right and think right and be right.
Maybe thats the point.
Maybe God is saying “let go.”
But how?
Incline my heart to you Lord!

https://vimeo.com/120073211

………

Hosea 10:12

 Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the LORD, that he may come and shower righteousness upon you …

 Sow righteousness for yourselves and reap faithful love; break up your unplowed ground.

….

How???

…..

11:56pm

Typically.

I just wanna say that word.

#wierdworddesires

So i should prolly use it in a sentence.

Like typically i just acquiesce to whatever desires or moods my grandfather is in.

Other times i try to be myself.

When there arises a conflict i realize that voicing my opinion was the wrong choice.

Then i shut up again.

Typically we dont have arguments, but when we do i am never satisfied that he knows what my point is.

#owell

#letitgo

Im turning into a Frozen princess.

….sigh…

…..

2.21 8:44am

Im imagining that this is the Lord, in my heart, digging, and digging, and digging….

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=a7bX7T8lltI

………………………………

2.26

12:03am

What’s the point?
—————————–
Sometimes we walk parallel roads 
they can be joyous roads or trying roads.
Roads like in Paul Bunyans book Pilgrims Progress where theres lions on either side
or canyons with howling grasping things on either side of a ribbon path leading into dark smoke…
Sometimes we walk paths that are, it seems, on other planets; with our friends path on terrain we both envy and covet or totally have no idea how they got there. And we believe it may be because of the seeds they sowed; which it may be.

however. “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” -proverbs 18:24
For me this friend is a sister.
“God is so good to give us precious friends” -jj
“Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.” -romans 13:8
—————————
What’s the point?
The point is to come to know love.
If we have it, to share it.
If we don’t have it, to seek it.
To know and “to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge” 
– “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
(ephesians 3:18-19 & romans 8:38-39)

…………….

Today my friend spoke words of life over me.

Do you know about the 5LoveLanguages?

Im quality time and words of affirmation.

Im getting lots of quality time here with my grandparents. Too much. Enough to realize they are not who i thought they were and who i knew before is long gone. Somewhere, somehow the people i knew walked away into dementia and the confused pain state of their new existence. Their inhibitions, gone. Their honesty, gone. All that is left is grasping.

Ok. Im getting off topic.

My friend spoke words to me about how she felt about me. About our friendship.

It was like fresh water to my somewhat deprived soul.

I get thankyous here. I do. I get them more from my grandmother than my grandfather. But theres an emptiness about it. Theres a pretense. A must say about their words.

I told my grandmother i was struggling. She said she understood but she couldnt help me. She couldnt talk to her husband because that was just the way it was.

Her thankyous are hollow reminders to keep enduring despite the inconveniences.

I know. That love is partly doing what cant be repaid. It is something that if genuine, cannot be bought or compensated for.

But love must also be honest.

That is so valuable to me. So please. If youre my friend, please share with me honestly. If i conjure poor feelings in you, please pleaseplease let me know. Because i know in my heart theres become little walls between me and my grandparents. How far i can go and no further. How much i can say and no further.

Why? Because what i say harms them in physical ways.

Like telling my grandfather i need self time would result in me being unable to be here for my Grandma. Shed be left alone 90% of the time. And again be found laying on the floor, having waited helplessly there for 6.5 hours until my grandfather decided to return home.

A fluke he said.

No. This is the new normal.

I know cause im here preventing it 65% of the day.

“Im just trying to get that speck!” She says when i grab her preventing her from falling. Again.

Its put me on a twice a day vacuuming regime.

So when i know i can talk with you freely, nothing barred and i know my heart can accept whatever you say, i just thank God that He’s given me this gift.

A friend closer than a brother.

……………………………..

4:50pm

Reading my friends blog.

Beautiful. Honesty in black and white and realities that shame my petty words. Parts of me relish and covet the words. Covet the perspective. The way she can divide with her words like a surgery knife, the evil and the light.

He will be their only hope and light in this dark place.” she writes.

Inside my heart i hear something say, “All who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed.

I have, since i was a small child, found comfort and refuge in the darkness in my heart. My mind created places; dark places that were all mine. Where i controlled everything.

Last year i asked God to take those places and build me a place. Be my safe place.

I’m still waiting restlessly. “He will be their only hope and light in this dark place.”

Lord. Can you plant your will deep within my heart? Can you root yourself in the deepest corner of my heart so i can find refuge there?

Im asking Lord. Do not abandon me. Do not set your face against me. Where do i look if not to you?!

Helpless i realize. You are my only hope and light in this dark place.

Incline my heart to you.

…………………………….

2.27

2:13pm

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

No matter how much im feeling, they are feeling more.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=95hi0wvMyEc

……………………………

9:48pm

Contemplating.

How i have selfless friends.

How unobtainable that is.

How much of a gift that is.

How hard it is for me to receive. To ask.

Wondering if that’s also part of this season.

#grateful

#nowordsinanylanguage

…………………………..

3.4

7:40pm

Today was a hard day.

A day where i just wanted to get up

Pack as quickly as i could

and leave.

A day i kind of got an unasked for job referral.

What?!

Yes.

And that made me think, God?

I’m also (God willing) going to be going to Korea for my friends wedding. Almost to the day that id left.

Woooaaahh. Be still my beating heart.

And i spent time reading a book that id put down last year cause it was too painful for me.

A book about how to forgive parents.

I started reading it again cause the other book i’ve been reading sent me into tears.

A friend sent me thus book about Gods messages of love in each book of the bible.

This chapter was on Ruth.

And i realize. Right now i’m Naomi.

And then my sister sends me this fantastic song.

Undone.

……………………………

2015-03-04 19.51.32

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2015-03-04 19.52.24

Pictures excerpt from “66 Love Letters” by Larry Crabb reproduced by picture with personal notes without permission.

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YOLO?! REALLY??? THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS???

I’ve been wanting to know for a long time.

And i actually never asked anyone cause i thought it would make me seem….dumb.

Ok. I know im dumb. But i thought it’d make me seem really dumb. Like i live in a cave. But i think actually that i..uh..kinda am really smart. Cause i read a lot. And i can understand stuff easily.

Except now, now i know im really dumb.

I thought Yolo meant like how hawaiians make a “Y” with their thumb and pinky and shake their hand….

Like hang loose. Or something like that.

But it means ‘you only live once’!?

So….

Yea. I learned it from this little kid on this video:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1czDASTpH9M

And something the kid said impressed me.

Yea. That impressed itself on my mind too.

“I think true love is a mixture of friendship, appreciation, and happiness.”

Yea that was awesome.

But what about that line where the little kid said,

“Its where you can be yourself.”

“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 18:3, 19:14

Is that what He meant???