On thee death

Consider Him
APRIL 14, 2016ย ยท
“Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.” -Hebrews 12:3
Christ laid down His dignity to take up the shame of our failure.
He hung bare, trembling in the early morning sunlight – first in the courtyard of the gaurd – vulnerable for whatever would come – his breath hanging on shredded moments as his spirit willed the guards to live …as He died.
Each lash must have taken away his breath
Each lash must have shattered whatever mental focus He had, so that between each shocking gasp there was a scrambling for identity,
His mind fumbling to hold onto the joy set before Him.
Then at last when the last stroke pulled away the trembling gasp of relief.
Then numbing realization that there was more… Every second dragging out in little shivers of pain. Each shiver sharper than the last. Holding onto the thin thread of consciousness.
Holding back the gut reaction to call forth every mind numbing and flesh healing and angel fighting power that brushed right there on the edge of His consciousness… On the tips of his fingers, running through his fingers…
The small raspy whisper “if you ask I will stop all of this! Comeon, turn them all to dust! You who heal,heal yourself.”
How his teeth must have ground together both with self control and uncontrollable pain.
Then again, hanging in the morning heat, his body exposed for every common passerby
To every bird and animal and insect… Did the flies land on him???
How the heat and pain must have exhausted him.
No dignity in anyone’s sight – his labored breath and moans of pain displaying utter weakness. No dignity of strength.
Dismay… Body betraying him in every way.
The sky darkening and his eyes lost focus and clarity.
Black spots entering his vision from lack of oxygen and overwhelming agony.
His mouth too dry
Forcing out words
Losing whatever hold he had on a supply of air
His followers
His family
Gazing up at his body on display
Or did they cover there faces to hide his shame?
The overwhelming thirst
Hunger?
Or did the pain and thirst overwhelm whatever hunger could have been
Nausea?
Pain so hard and so fast and so prolonged that vomit rose in his already dry throat?
Heaving and straining and longing with no hope
because already His Father’s face had turned away
Was this the moment He knew He’d accomplished all things?
And this
This is what brought me healing.
His ways are not my ways
And His thoughts are not my thoughts
By His stripes I am healed
And the punishment which brought me peace
was upon Him.
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150 Warriors by My Side

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I am so excited for us! Everyone who’s partnered with me for this next year! Squadies!!!! Thanks so much and I can’t wait to see all God will do in and thru and for others thru us! I still need another $3600 before October when I leave! I leave the 4th guys! I leave California and head off for my first country Chile….wowzah @@

and here’s what I need you to know:

I need you to know that I’m all in. I’m going to be vulnerable with you this year so please read thru to the bottom of each post and give me the benefit of the doubt. Let me learn and grow and don’t judge to harshly when I say things like:

I say I’m excited. But I say that for you. Because honestly, when I went to training camp everything inside me shriveled down to a small little ball – like tinfoil inside the fist of the unknown.

And I say, “I’m so excited!” because I need you to know im sincere about my desire to go. Even if that desire lost its certainty some time back.

Because when I consider what I’ll see, and what I’ll do, that desire is as strong as a wave sweeping me unwillingly off my feet into an ocean of longing that I cannot resist.

The desire to see people – as they are – around the world and gather up the stories of Gods faithfulness and share my own. To strengthen the weak hands and help the helpless. To impart hope and real tangible aid.

Even though I can’t feel excited – I know I am.

And I want you to believe that. It’s much like the way I say, “I miss you!” although when we’re apart I’m not physically aching for you- yet I want you to know that you’re important to me and I want you in my life.

Can you understand?

I want to crack a door for you into the reality of how this is for me right now in the most honest way I can. And I feel scared about how you’ll read into this, but I want you to go on this journey with me this year with a depth that needs to be breached to do so.

Right now I’m sad that I can’t bring such and such a shirt – or the fact that one hoodie is already too much, cause hoodie life is not packable life. I’m looking at the possibility of less underware and that too is hard. (Don’t laugh. The struggle is real.)

My bank account keeps going to zero because I can’t earn enough between just artwork and housecleaning to keep up with gas and supplies demands. So how am I going to have any – just the teensiest bit – of spending money on the race?

Not to mention that I’m still $12,000 away from fully being funded…I need $3400 of that before October. So…

… And then there’s OVERWHELMING needs crashing through people’s lives in the states: amidst tragedies in Texas, Florida, and Georgia how can I even ask for financial support.

It makes me feel selfish.

This is me right now. Laying in bed wishing I didn’t have to get up. I went to my storage last night and purged thru half of my clothes. Yes, I moved from Korea so my whole life is currently in storage. And I spent all morning building racks for clothing and now I’m so sore – and some of it’s “oh no be careful how you move or you’ll be crawling” pain.

I’m going to gut heavy miss my sister so much. I’m going to miss the blessing of living in her peaceful presence and falling asleep mid conversation on her couch.

I’m going to miss our random shopping trips for groceries. I’m going to miss 3 hour weekend drives to church and seeing my grandparent and my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins – who’ve become my parents/family…

I’m going to miss my Saturday night and Sunday night community groups.

Last weekend my sisters small group let me in on a secret. That for several months they’d been planning a huge rummage sale to raise funds for my trip.

Guys.

I could not have been more shocked or more grateful! THIS is what Gods been trying to do in my life. Get me to accept love from others. I was w.r.e.c.k.e.d!

It took a while before I could stop sobbing snot in the corner of the living room, curled up on a beanbag.

And this is how Gods working in my life. Crashing in with grace and truth. Allowing me to be softly broken with love.

And this is what He does with me. He works while I sleep. And He’s letting me know, “You can rest at night. Don’t be afraid. Aren’t you worth many sparrows?” And giving me confidence that as long as I follow where He’s calling me that He will provide.

i don’t know how. I don’t know when. I can’t promise I won’t worry. But I know that if I have no provision then I can stop and wait and even fall asleep on an airport bench. Because even when I don’t have bus money to get home from the airport He’ll send someone to provide for me. My Ethiopian Muslim friend will be there – sent by Jesus – compelled to give to me.

Praises to Him!

I’m so grateful for you guys. For your prayers and your partnership, coming alongside and living life with me. And I am excited.

But it’s for the long haul, guys. It’s the knowledge that I am committed. It’s not an event to be arrive at with exuberance. It’s a commitment, for the joy set before me. I’m excited to see all that the Lord will do. And I wait, in hope for each encounter.

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….

Please join and ask others to join in subscribing to the blog:

carolynrmiller.theworldrace.org

I’d really like to have 150 prayer warriors keeping up to date with my blog there (during this next year) so they can pray over everything I, and my team, and the community we’re in is going thru as I share it! I want prayers of thanksgiving and requests being made!

More information about the ministry I’ll be doing is there on that blog and also if you subscribe then my article will go straight to your email so you don’t have to look up the blog link Everytime ๐Ÿ™‚ So please share and ask others to join us!!!

Today…

My plan is to write a little bit everyday until I leave.

6.29

Today I spent time next to my sisters pool with Jesus.

He just sat and listened to my prayers.

I realized again that I still don’t know the balance between: self care, rest, and laziness.

But I know that as soon as I really start relaxing pure exhaustion overtakes me.

So I’ve been leaping back into work so as not to be overcome by sleep…

Today my plan is artwork, yard work, and running.

6.30

worked on artwork and talked to my best-friend roomie from university.

Tired. So tired.

7.1

i.

just can’t believe it’s July already.

(sobs)

i need more time.

got up – did art concept – then visited the orchard with my sister …

left with my brother in law and sister to do some art shopping for my sister who’s getting inspired by my art to play with watercolors! ๐Ÿ˜›

Then off to bible study!

7.2

Woke up 5am

went back to sleep.

Got up 620ish and prepared to leave. Today I will visit my home church and I’m feeling nervous.

I know that I went and have come back as I went: empty handed.

I feel foolish and dread all the questions.

not many people knew I was in Korea. I got people asking me what I’ve been up to / what happened to me / where I went.

Sad sad moment to realize how few people knew ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Spent this evening celebrating my grandmothers birthday at my Aunts house- lots of family.

7.3

Arrived home 230am.

Tired –

Slept until noon.

Made calls to some people who I wanted to clear the air with.

The calls brought clarity and peace.

Went to town to sell my car to my sister.

Got stuck in traffic – prayed that God would guide me with a truck who was exiting the freeway.

He did! Made it into town pretty late. Ended up shopping for art supplies, mailing envelopes, and food for tomorrow.

7.4

Happy 4th of July!

Already been hearing fireworks the last few nights.

It’s already pretty warm …

About to prep my mailing envelopes for my stateside support letters…

— addressing envelopes…until well into the afternoon – and then off to potluck at a friends house!

After 6 years it’ll be fun to enjoy a Fourth of July firework show again!

7.5

Woke up.

Spent some time next to the pool talking with God and then decided I should get some work done.

– finished writing some things on the envelopes and did some art work on the back with water color.

I prepared to leave to get my letters printed.

A friend came over and explained the math stuff I’ll be tutoring her daughter in. Then offered to support me by allowing me to print my support letters at her house!

What a HUGE BLESSING! Went and printed my letters. Went to church. Heard a sermon on sharing the treasure of who God is with others.

All my rich little nuggets of experience…

7.6

Spent all day writing personal notes on each letter.

Totally exhausting.

Contemplating the ways God uses us to support and help eachother…

Why do I resist this so much? I know I’d gladly help someone else if I could! Yet imagine others despising the idea of helping me…

when in fact some dear friends have gone OVER and beyond what I’d expect in helping me. I’ve been blown away by people’s generosity.

So why do I feel a self revulsion to asking for partners on this journey?

Its hard to pinpoint the exact feelings. Is it a feeling of admitting helplessness? Weakness? Failure(s)?

7.7

Beautiful date. I finish addressing the return addresses and run off to the post office. “$109.23 is the damage!” The lady says with a kind smile. (It was 109 – something cents…I honestly don’t even remember.)

i pay and am relieved that the letters are out. But a pit of something like dread is there in my stomach. Have I mailed out just papers for the recycle bin? Whether or not He uses this avenue to fund me it doesn’t even really matter. But doing something without guaranteed results makes me sick.

“it’s in your hands now Lord!” It’s such a relief to have the bulk over and done.

…I went home and packed for my road trip with Jillian and Geri. Even the names make me smile.

Janelle and I will do TA training for heartchange together.

best car ride EVER! Awesome conversation that lifted my spirits.

7.8

Woke up in a strangers house; in a strange bed.

This is how my weekend starts. But it’s the first real rest I’ve gotten. I can feel it. The way there’s no expectation.

The sun’s streaming in thru the slats on the blinds.

i wake to ferocious barking – ug.

The (rescue?) dog submits to my voice and lays under my hand – searching eyes and finally an affection. He nuzzles his nose near to me.

7.9

woke up to the same strange room – still rested. Yesterday’s training was followed with dinner and then spiritual warfare.

Praising the lord in the living room while someone got deep prayer and revelation and healing time with Christ.

Then laying in bed. We start to talk. Sweet conversation. The deepness ive longed for. I feel close –

And then.

My sister trying to help me and me feeling cornered. Forced. One sided fight.

Tears and a pit in my stomach. I thought this was over with.

Facing opposition.

tentatively play worship music.

Words of truth spill from her mouth and we hold hands.

Falling asleep in peace, my heart is at ease.

So I wake up and fight warfare for our friend again – and we dance on the bed in victory!

– And then my sister goes in for prayer and I’m left alone – singing alone. Praying over the healing that’s taking place.

i sit at Jesus feet and weep. I talk with Him about some of my own issues.

theres a palpable weight in the air.

I pray and sing and sleep.

Finally they’re done and my sister comes out beaming.

We drive home. We arrive around midnight.

i miss Jillian and Geri already.

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7.14

the week flew away in a mixture of joy and tense stress and even flowing movements as I made my way thru each day:

7.10 – artwork, workshop wrapup. Seeing new and dear friends and sharing and praying.

driving home with my sister: relational breakthrough. Honest words and clearer communication.

Midnight shopping. We stop for cheap gas.

7.11 – hot. Artwork. We run. I’m doing better than she or I expected. I’m not as fit as i want but I’m too tired to care. I just empty my mind and follow her easy pace down the rolling asphalt.

i start to doubt what I shared the night before. The desire to dig deeper into my past and feel the pain and process it.

i resist the resistance.

im sick in the pit of my stomach.

7.12 – First art piece mailed out!!! Not the first made but the first commissioned and finished.

another breadcrumb of Gods faithfulness! Since I’ve been back I’ve been very open for whatever opportunities He would design for me and so far He’s been faithful to more than fill up my calendar – fun :-/

Hung out with my sister and a mutual artist friend; worked on my artwork and talked about all Gods been doing in our lives – went and did some chores and hung out with my little brother. Enjoyed seeing him as a growing young man – and worried for his heart as he struggles to find where he fits in.

Late night shopping again: food.

7.13 –ย went to court to clear up a traffic infraction that was given to me while in Korea: incorrectly charged: dismissed.

Today I sold my car. Goodbye Posey.

Slept in the parking lot: so tired.

went home.

7.14 – went to tutor math and art: found myself alone and got to spend some quality time just resting: reading my bible and praying, singing, and laying in thick green green grass.

Had lunch with a dear friend – and spent time connecting. Met a new friend today who’s going to support me!

Another breadcrumb!

Found another perfect pebble. I think God has one more for me ๐Ÿ™‚

Struggling with art stuff, and emotional feelings: “I keep coming face to face with my unresolved issues and insecurity. I’m honestly a wreck and God still accepts me and has called me here.” My friend wrote this to me and I totally resonate with it. I wrote her: “I’m ok ,:) some days great, some days struggling, some days hoping and faithing, some days have no desires whatsoever…just frustrations…
But still moving forward with as much faith as I can and God keeps meeting me with as much grace as I need :,) He is being so faithful! Doing art stuff and tutoring math and art – and part of a small group and helping and learning heart recovery stuff and… Yea :,)”

its my life lately. Sometimes totally overwhelmed with unnamed desires. Sometimes hiding behind the drive of accomplishing another thing for the day.

Climbing into bed grateful for sleep. Everyday. Grateful.

8.3

Todays August third, and sometime today between washing dogs, making art and food, and cleaning around the house I’m sitting, I realized that I haven’t been writing my daily journal. Why? Mostly because I’ve been without Internet access pretty regularly. Annnnnd my schedules been a little lunaticy.

rewind:

7.15

it was Saturday and I guess I did art…

7.16

drove down to the Bay Area and went to church, dropped of a dollhouse to my cousin, and visited with my grandparents before dashing off to my uncles birthday dinner.

7.17

tutoring: again. I’ve been giving “interesting” art homework which is keeping my tutee happy. Yay!

Finished a piece of art for my friend and ran up to meet her – lovely time over coffee in downtown Sacramento.

then rushed to my moms house to pick up my brothers to take them to Marin for summer camp.

drive back home. Two hours later…

7.18

Wake up at seven thirty and prepare.

my friend Geri shows up and we’re off to LA for a heartchange workshop. I’m a driver helper and I’m going down to help some and spend some time with my korean friend who’s in LA on a vacation- visit.

we have a lovely drive and arrive in LA and meet up with our friend Desi. We go for tacos, then pizza, then hot tub time at her apt.

7.19

We drive some more to get closer to where the workshop is.