November walks

Day 1:

Hello friends! Once again sharing my days with you.

I had a 9:30 meeting with the new youth pastor this morning – time for him to get to know my heart for the youth and stuff. So i didn’t get my walk in – although i could have. I’d planned to get up and walk to our meeting place ….but instead i woke up around 830  – late – and kinda snoozed until 9. Then got up and left in earnest.

When i got home my grandfather was in a mood and when i attempted to help with something he angrily ordered, “just get out!” So i did. I left on my walk.

Ended up calling my Aunt who spoke works of life to me. “Lets live a legacy of surrendering everything to the Lord!” she urged me.

Moved me very deeply. (Will blog about that later.)


Day 2: Got up around 9. First day that i greeted my grandparents before i left; without sneaking out.

Feel good. Weather finally feels like fall.


Day 3:….

So today would be Day 17:

I don’t know why i stopped recording but i didn’t do so hot this month so far.

Started depressing about my current life and that changes need to happen for next year. And that kinda threw me off my groove – cause i started staying up real late and watching dvds again…like ***coughDrHouseMDcough***.

So yea. But when i didn’t get in my full 10000 i averaged about 4500…except for yesterday 644. And today.

Idontknowhow:

2015-11-18-00-10-16

So yea.

Wow.

Gotta get up tomorrow and do it.

Or else. Im not sure what =(


Day 18:…To 30th day.

So it turns out i wrote the 17th day at around 2am, which accounts for the zero-steps-taken.

I can’t say for sure (because todays December 2nd and i can’t remember that far back) if i got up and walked, but my record for the 18th day says that 9235 steps were taken, so i can only guess that i made it a 5000-step morning walk.

The rest of the days i ranged between 350 and 10409….on average i made it 5000 steps a day. Whether or not i got up is another matter.

I wrote in a B-post a couple of weeks ago (NaNoWriMo) that “I laid in bed two weekends in a row and i didn’t do anything or go anywhere. I slept and prayed i wouldn’t wake up.” so whatever memory i have that is not self consuming blah is that i functioned and made no efforts to go beyond mere survival. 

My depression resulted in the urgency for a family meeting where my Grandfather made it very clear that needed help would be something of the future and if i had any desire for doing anything i’d better get out and do what i needed to finance that.

This morning i signed a contract to return to Korea.


Where have my steps taken me?

“God’s not tricky!” my friend urged. “If you’re asking God to show you where you’ll grow closest to Him – asking Him to grow you and show you where He wants you – then you’ve got to trust that He will!”

But i know myself.

I’m weak enough to run away.

I’m weak enough to do what i want or think is right because i think i know better.

I pause as i write this.

And let the whisper in my soul speak again.

” He knows you too.” the voice says. “He know you are weak. He knows your tendencies. He knows the burning desire you have to know Him deeper than you can escape. Is not that fire lit by His own hands? Stoked by His own heart? Is He not powerful enough to catch you where you are? Send a fish to swallow you and take you safely to the shore He wants you on? Is He not faithful to you??? Doesn’t He have the wisdom to plan around and through and conquer your “knowing”?”

Yes.

I must say yes.

This love that whispers through my deep and stenchy distrust, falters me.

It beckons me in ways that i can only guess is hope.

It glistens of things my mind stutters to grasp.

It says impossible miracles.

It waits.

timeline

So, i’m not sure how many of you -or even if any of you – are like me and don’t have huge dreams, plans, and/or goals for your future.

I’ve had childish fetishes – like wanting to be a cop for the sake of a story hero wanna-be fascination. And having read since i got out of my diapers and starting to write shortly thereafter – i had this thing about writing.

I promise you i can write well. And i’m sorry you’re not getting a lot of it.

Mainly because i’m impatient and i can’t focus myself on going back and editing.

I like to do the point and shoot method where i start typing and just keep going with whatever comes out.

But you get the gyst. (I know it’s gist. I also like making up my own words/spellings.)

I wanna write and publish.

And other than that … beside the desire to travel, and sudden movie inspired career options, there was my glory days as a middle school teacher in Korea, where i discovered my ability and delight as a teacher -… there’s been nothing.

Dreamless walking.


 

So if you’re like me and don’t have this huge life goal, then i’m going to tell you something.

You never know what you have till it’s taken away.

I had inklings and curiosities for a dream – but the desire to dream and even make minute goals to fulfill has never been so keen and so raw now that i’ve lived 19 months with self denial.

Self denial of the giving up kind, not the live in a dream kind.

(Unless you mean a crazy dream, which then i will have to concur.

…Helping Grandparents can be….challenging at best; pure agony if you’re someone like me who can’t necessarily separate her own psychological issues, childhood trauma triggers and Grandparent manipulation or just pure taking advantage. It’s a very trapped feeling both from my own issues and the issues i project(?) from them that i don’t know how to deal with.)

So my short term, drawing near dream has come like this:

1. A positive feeling towards a friends experience in the WorldRace…

2. and seeing an age limit of 35 attached to this experience. Which leads to:

3. the realization of my timeline (ticking bomb called impending age) and the desire not to miss out on something else due to my “giving up” for anything or anyone.

I’d like to taste that goal fulfillment again. Like when i went to bed each night dreaming of college and how i subsequently made it in.

I’d like to dream everynight of going on this WorldRace experience and seeing and experiencing something …something God has for me. Something i was created for.

Now, laying in the dark – depression and doubt pushing into my ears and whatever empty and insufficient areas i possess – i wonder if right now, right here is what i was born for; even as i begin this process of considering planning my exit from my stint helping my grandparents.

Is this real?

Is this meant to be?

God help me! I hope that i’m not just running from one struggle into another that i am not yet prepared for; due to what i’ve lacked to gain from this one.


 

Stolen sentiments:
Read this post on a friends fb. She wrote, “This year has been the most informative, happiest, hurtful, thoughtful, altering, molding, powerful, accepting year of my life. I am thankful for every single day.”

I should be able to say this too. But i am just steeped in anger, tinged with bitterness and reeking of self righteous indignation.
Which when boiled down is just ungratefulness.

Pray for me friends. Because i feel like i’m whole and i live like a cripple.

THIS.

  • The indicated. The marked.

Ok. So i read the title for this post on fb and i prayed as it loaded “Lord please let this be what i need to hear.”

Because i’m angry and im frustrated and all that mixed with a whole lot of demotivation and self-centeredness (and if im honest single-sexual-frustration) equals depression.

And it was what i needed to hear:

You guys, I’m spent. The voice of shame inside of me says, “You can’t write right now. You have nothing to offer anyone else when you are angry.” Because yes, I am angry. And I’m often angry.”

http://www.leahdeverson.com/what-my-anger-says-about-me-and-what-im-going-to-do-about-it/


 

I feel bad about not posting seasonal “THIS”es but most of the time i’m just sharing great stuff i find whenever i find it!

Next year i’ll try to be better.

This one’s about challenging our ideas of purity:

Some of you may be surprised, however, that there is another form of purity more foundational to the teachings of Jesus than the Sunday-school version.”

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/worldview/purity-more-saving-sex-marriage


This is a stark, blatant, honest look at challenges with faith:

Does faith feel like a catch-22?

You know you should stop performing for God.

So you try harder….to stop trying.

Does anyone else see the irony there?”

http://www.heathercaliri.com/about-2/



This is a little bit about growing in faith and a rep for the book on growth:

So that’s huge in relation to us having a more balanced understanding of sanctification—understanding that God works and we don’t grow ourselves, yet we connect with things that God utilizes to help us grow.”

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/what-spiritual-growth-really-looks


This is a great workout song 😉

For those of you who like songs to workout to:



This is about the pain of waiting….

Have you ever noticed how you have to set an appointment whenever you want to see a doctor, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the doctor is going to keep it? You may be on time, but left in the waiting room wondering if it is the doctor that has the scheduled mixed up.

In those situations, the waiting room can be more painful than the actual time spent with the doctor.”

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/when-god-leaves-you-waiting



This is a bit of what i do and a bit of what i need to do as an adult.

What about you?

If anything, adulthood is a daily and gradual process of choosing maturity over immaturity. It doesn’t happen in one big moment, but over years of wise decisions. Adulthood is a sculpture carved over time. It’s a process of a person casting away their childishness and taking the shape of Godly maturity in their thoughts, words and actions.”

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/10-ways-do-adulthood-well



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Well, that’s all for today!

I hope you have a very memorable Thanksgiving!



 

If you think of me would you pray that my eyes and heart would be open to, and turn towards, Thanks for all the good God’s blessed me with?

I’d appreciate that! ❤


 

*featured photo credit: C.M.Mimbs