Hello friends! Once again sharing my days with you.
I had a 9:30 meeting with the new youth pastor this morning – time for him to get to know my heart for the youth and stuff. So i didn’t get my walk in – although i could have. I’d planned to get up and walk to our meeting place ….but instead i woke up around 830 – late – and kinda snoozed until 9. Then got up and left in earnest.
When i got home my grandfather was in a mood and when i attempted to help with something he angrily ordered, “just get out!” So i did. I left on my walk.
Ended up calling my Aunt who spoke works of life to me. “Lets live a legacy of surrendering everything to the Lord!” she urged me.
Moved me very deeply. (Will blog about that later.)
Day 2: Got up around 9. First day that i greeted my grandparents before i left; without sneaking out.
Feel good. Weather finally feels like fall.
So today would be Day 17:
I don’t know why i stopped recording but i didn’t do so hot this month so far.
Started depressing about my current life and that changes need to happen for next year. And that kinda threw me off my groove – cause i started staying up real late and watching dvds again…like ***coughDrHouseMDcough***.
So yea. But when i didn’t get in my full 10000 i averaged about 4500…except for yesterday 644. And today.
Gotta get up tomorrow and do it.
Or else. Im not sure what =(
Day 18:…To 30th day.
So it turns out i wrote the 17th day at around 2am, which accounts for the zero-steps-taken.
I can’t say for sure (because todays December 2nd and i can’t remember that far back) if i got up and walked, but my record for the 18th day says that 9235 steps were taken, so i can only guess that i made it a 5000-step morning walk.
The rest of the days i ranged between 350 and 10409….on average i made it 5000 steps a day. Whether or not i got up is another matter.
I wrote in a B-post a couple of weeks ago (NaNoWriMo) that “I laid in bed two weekends in a row and i didn’t do anything or go anywhere. I slept and prayed i wouldn’t wake up.” so whatever memory i have that is not self consuming blah is that i functioned and made no efforts to go beyond mere survival.
My depression resulted in the urgency for a family meeting where my Grandfather made it very clear that needed help would be something of the future and if i had any desire for doing anything i’d better get out and do what i needed to finance that.
This morning i signed a contract to return to Korea.
Where have my steps taken me?
“God’s not tricky!” my friend urged. “If you’re asking God to show you where you’ll grow closest to Him – asking Him to grow you and show you where He wants you – then you’ve got to trust that He will!”
But i know myself.
I’m weak enough to run away.
I’m weak enough to do what i want or think is right because i think i know better.
I pause as i write this.
And let the whisper in my soul speak again.
” He knows you too.” the voice says. “He know you are weak. He knows your tendencies. He knows the burning desire you have to know Him deeper than you can escape. Is not that fire lit by His own hands? Stoked by His own heart? Is He not powerful enough to catch you where you are? Send a fish to swallow you and take you safely to the shore He wants you on? Is He not faithful to you??? Doesn’t He have the wisdom to plan around and through and conquer your “knowing”?”
I must say yes.
This love that whispers through my deep and stenchy distrust, falters me.
It beckons me in ways that i can only guess is hope.
It glistens of things my mind stutters to grasp.
It says impossible miracles.