Today…

My plan is to write a little bit everyday until I leave.

6.29

Today I spent time next to my sisters pool with Jesus.

He just sat and listened to my prayers.

I realized again that I still don’t know the balance between: self care, rest, and laziness.

But I know that as soon as I really start relaxing pure exhaustion overtakes me.

So I’ve been leaping back into work so as not to be overcome by sleep…

Today my plan is artwork, yard work, and running.

6.30

worked on artwork and talked to my best-friend roomie from university.

Tired. So tired.

7.1

i.

just can’t believe it’s July already.

(sobs)

i need more time.

got up – did art concept – then visited the orchard with my sister …

left with my brother in law and sister to do some art shopping for my sister who’s getting inspired by my art to play with watercolors! ๐Ÿ˜›

Then off to bible study!

7.2

Woke up 5am

went back to sleep.

Got up 620ish and prepared to leave. Today I will visit my home church and I’m feeling nervous.

I know that I went and have come back as I went: empty handed.

I feel foolish and dread all the questions.

not many people knew I was in Korea. I got people asking me what I’ve been up to / what happened to me / where I went.

Sad sad moment to realize how few people knew ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Spent this evening celebrating my grandmothers birthday at my Aunts house- lots of family.

7.3

Arrived home 230am.

Tired –

Slept until noon.

Made calls to some people who I wanted to clear the air with.

The calls brought clarity and peace.

Went to town to sell my car to my sister.

Got stuck in traffic – prayed that God would guide me with a truck who was exiting the freeway.

He did! Made it into town pretty late. Ended up shopping for art supplies, mailing envelopes, and food for tomorrow.

7.4

Happy 4th of July!

Already been hearing fireworks the last few nights.

It’s already pretty warm …

About to prep my mailing envelopes for my stateside support letters…

— addressing envelopes…until well into the afternoon – and then off to potluck at a friends house!

After 6 years it’ll be fun to enjoy a Fourth of July firework show again!

7.5

Woke up.

Spent some time next to the pool talking with God and then decided I should get some work done.

– finished writing some things on the envelopes and did some art work on the back with water color.

I prepared to leave to get my letters printed.

A friend came over and explained the math stuff I’ll be tutoring her daughter in. Then offered to support me by allowing me to print my support letters at her house!

What a HUGE BLESSING! Went and printed my letters. Went to church. Heard a sermon on sharing the treasure of who God is with others.

All my rich little nuggets of experience…

7.6

Spent all day writing personal notes on each letter.

Totally exhausting.

Contemplating the ways God uses us to support and help eachother…

Why do I resist this so much? I know I’d gladly help someone else if I could! Yet imagine others despising the idea of helping me…

when in fact some dear friends have gone OVER and beyond what I’d expect in helping me. I’ve been blown away by people’s generosity.

So why do I feel a self revulsion to asking for partners on this journey?

Its hard to pinpoint the exact feelings. Is it a feeling of admitting helplessness? Weakness? Failure(s)?

7.7

Beautiful date. I finish addressing the return addresses and run off to the post office. “$109.23 is the damage!” The lady says with a kind smile. (It was 109 – something cents…I honestly don’t even remember.)

i pay and am relieved that the letters are out. But a pit of something like dread is there in my stomach. Have I mailed out just papers for the recycle bin? Whether or not He uses this avenue to fund me it doesn’t even really matter. But doing something without guaranteed results makes me sick.

“it’s in your hands now Lord!” It’s such a relief to have the bulk over and done.

…I went home and packed for my road trip with Jillian and Geri. Even the names make me smile.

Janelle and I will do TA training for heartchange together.

best car ride EVER! Awesome conversation that lifted my spirits.

7.8

Woke up in a strangers house; in a strange bed.

This is how my weekend starts. But it’s the first real rest I’ve gotten. I can feel it. The way there’s no expectation.

The sun’s streaming in thru the slats on the blinds.

i wake to ferocious barking – ug.

The (rescue?) dog submits to my voice and lays under my hand – searching eyes and finally an affection. He nuzzles his nose near to me.

7.9

woke up to the same strange room – still rested. Yesterday’s training was followed with dinner and then spiritual warfare.

Praising the lord in the living room while someone got deep prayer and revelation and healing time with Christ.

Then laying in bed. We start to talk. Sweet conversation. The deepness ive longed for. I feel close –

And then.

My sister trying to help me and me feeling cornered. Forced. One sided fight.

Tears and a pit in my stomach. I thought this was over with.

Facing opposition.

tentatively play worship music.

Words of truth spill from her mouth and we hold hands.

Falling asleep in peace, my heart is at ease.

So I wake up and fight warfare for our friend again – and we dance on the bed in victory!

– And then my sister goes in for prayer and I’m left alone – singing alone. Praying over the healing that’s taking place.

i sit at Jesus feet and weep. I talk with Him about some of my own issues.

theres a palpable weight in the air.

I pray and sing and sleep.

Finally they’re done and my sister comes out beaming.

We drive home. We arrive around midnight.

i miss Jillian and Geri already.

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7.14

the week flew away in a mixture of joy and tense stress and even flowing movements as I made my way thru each day:

7.10 – artwork, workshop wrapup. Seeing new and dear friends and sharing and praying.

driving home with my sister: relational breakthrough. Honest words and clearer communication.

Midnight shopping. We stop for cheap gas.

7.11 – hot. Artwork. We run. I’m doing better than she or I expected. I’m not as fit as i want but I’m too tired to care. I just empty my mind and follow her easy pace down the rolling asphalt.

i start to doubt what I shared the night before. The desire to dig deeper into my past and feel the pain and process it.

i resist the resistance.

im sick in the pit of my stomach.

7.12 – First art piece mailed out!!! Not the first made but the first commissioned and finished.

another breadcrumb of Gods faithfulness! Since I’ve been back I’ve been very open for whatever opportunities He would design for me and so far He’s been faithful to more than fill up my calendar – fun :-/

Hung out with my sister and a mutual artist friend; worked on my artwork and talked about all Gods been doing in our lives – went and did some chores and hung out with my little brother. Enjoyed seeing him as a growing young man – and worried for his heart as he struggles to find where he fits in.

Late night shopping again: food.

7.13 –ย went to court to clear up a traffic infraction that was given to me while in Korea: incorrectly charged: dismissed.

Today I sold my car. Goodbye Posey.

Slept in the parking lot: so tired.

went home.

7.14 – went to tutor math and art: found myself alone and got to spend some quality time just resting: reading my bible and praying, singing, and laying in thick green green grass.

Had lunch with a dear friend – and spent time connecting. Met a new friend today who’s going to support me!

Anothet breadcrumb!

Found another perfect pebble. I think God has one more for me ๐Ÿ™‚

Struggling with art stuff, and emotional feelings: “I keep coming face to face with my unresolved issues and insecurity. I’m honestly a wreck and God still accepts me and has called me here.” My friend wrote this to me and I totally resonate with it. I wrote her: “I’m ok ,:) some days great, some days struggling, some days hoping and faithing, some days have no desires whatsoever…just frustrations…
But still moving forward with as much faith as I can and God keeps meeting me with as much grace as I need :,) He is being so faithful! Doing art stuff and tutoring math and art – and part of a small group and helping and learning heart recovery stuff and… Yea :,)”

its my life lately. Sometimes totally overwhelmed with unnamed desires. Sometimes hiding behind the drive of accomplishing another thing for the day.

Climbing into bed grateful for sleep. Everyday. Grateful.