processing the now

So. I wrote a whole blog. I kind of poured out my heart. And i hit “action” and the whole thing disappeared.

And my heart is still in my throat.

I kinda totally absolutely hate this mobile wordpress version gonadal kick “update” that is so terrible i can’t even put to words how badly it works.

….ok. vented.

Here’s a redo. But i can’t promise anything.

Aka: It’s gonna be bad. Because i really poured it all out so well last time. Which means i have nothing much left to give.



 

So, i’m walking out to my car and all i hear in my head is the strains of “Goodbye Wilson”

And i so desperately want to break into heaving unbreathable sobs and fall into something soft and enveloping like a big feather blanket.

But i don’t and i can’t.

Nope.

Yea. Nope. Nothing happening.

I’m sure around the two week mark in korea i’m going to have this sudden hitch in my throat and i’m going to just burst out in snotty faced tears.

I’ve been trained to process everything logically. To be responsible. To move on. Do what needs to be done.

To can it all.

So i’m wrapping up literally the last days with my grandparents. Things happened. And i’m returning to Korea. And Tim, the youth pastor, had the HighSchool kids do an affirmation circle for me last night.

Which was amazing and – just blew my heart up into pixi dust.

I know that a lot of us never get this kind of thing happen for us. And for me i’ve been battered with words so much that i’m afraid i suffer from not knowing the difference between guarding and hardening my heart.

So i was sitting there desperately praying that God would let my heart accept the words the kids were showering on me.

“Carolyn what i’m so grateful for about you is…”

Is that the line? Honestly there’s very little i can remember i was in a kind of overwhelm from the kind and healing words running down over my entire being.

Words that whispered, “I’ve been using you!” in a voice i knew well. That voice you forget until you hear and know it. The voice that urges me to come, and rest. The voice that says, “be still”.

Later that night one of the girls sent me a kind of summary version of the night:

“C- is for the way you openingly, universally, and genuinely Care about every person you meet

A- is for the Amazing sense of style you have. It’s truly inspiring because of your humble confidence. Your style is always colorful, bright, exciting and open just like you.

R- is for your Rare gift of pure passion and enthusiasm for God and all his children.

O- is for your constant Original yet relatable advice and ideas that help so many people.

L- is for the way you truly Live this life to its fullest. The way you Live as God’s hands an feet, as a humble example of Christ and the ways he loves with all he is.

I- is for how much I and many other people like me have been eternally blessed by your presence and gifts from God. We will are all forever changed and forever inspired by your presence.

N- is for how you literally Never give up. How you Never stop no matter what. How you never lose trust in God. You Never complain yet I know how much you’ve been through, and even in your darkest times you remained in Gods presence. Never stop. Never change. Never give up Caroline.

E- Is for your Exceptional Spark. You sparkle Carline. Literally and Metaphorically. You’re loving pure soul shines and emanates through your actions, your words, your powerful silence, You’re Sparkle.

 

Never stop Sparkling.

 

Thank you so incredibly much Caroline for sparkling in my life these past years. I love you. May God bless you.”



I’m gonna miss you guys =”(

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day 22. when we become dumpers&diggers

So last january i started working once a week at this ladies little consignment shop, so i’d have gas&coffeedate money.

In or around May she found out she was going to have to (sell her house and) move – so i started to help her a bit more. Th and Fridays and sometimes Sundays and Saturdays (goodbye freetime). She even hired help at her house AND at the store to help the process.

The problem is that she (is not a horder, she’s just) so disorganized. Like MAJORLY disorganized. And she can’t relax.

So here it is, 2016, nine months later and she is still (re)packing/(re)cleaning.

I spent 3 days at her place and each day i started with a prayer for God to sustain me and help me to totally get that area DONE!

And God heard and answered my prayer the way i wanted Him to. Despite my aching back and then my aching wrist i plowed through a good 10×10 area each day (of waist high boxes and bags) and got it totally cleaned up to single row of boxes against a wall.

Then after the 3rd day i got a call from her.

A call that in reflection i believe God gets so often i can’t even believe He even cares&tries anymore.

………………….

The voice on the other side was strained and depressing. “You’re gonna be mad at me,” she said. “But i started going thru the boxes and it stressed me to just open and look at it. I needed to go thru each thing and rethink it. So i took all the boxes and dumped them all into a big pile.”

My breath stilled. My mind went blank.

“I’m not mad,” i said.

I did what i set out to do. I helped you. It’s your stuff. If you want to redo what i’ve done that’s your choice.

I didn’t say that. I just knew it. Thought it. Patted myself on the back for not getting emotionally involved.

“I just couldn’t see everything in the box. And it was just easier for me to get it all out so i could see what was in there and decide if i wanted it in that box.”

They were labeled. You didn’t need to do that. The most important thing is that the room was cleaned up/out and that you were that much closer to being ready for the realtor.

I didn’t say that. I just knew it. Thought it. Patted myself on the back for not getting emotionally involved.

“This is so stressful for me! It is worse than me having to do it myself! I dont understand how you could have put cotton and silk shirts in the same box together! I found leather coats with linen jackets!!”

My brain went blank. What??? …either its summer shirts or its not. Either its a jacket or its not. Who cared what they were as long as all the fall jackets were in the fall jacket box.

I didn’t say that. I just knew it. Thought it. Patted myself on the back for not getting emotionally involved.

“I can’t help you,” i said. “I don’t know if i should come – because if i come i better just not touch that stuff since i don’t know how you want it. It’s going to be counter productive for me to come repack it and have you dump it out again.”

Her response was angry and resigned and her tone of voice was depressed.

download (39)

…………………….

I really felt bad. But what could i do?

In reflection i realize that i think we are like that with God.

We are unable to patiently wait for His resolution, and if it seems we get an answer we are often disappointed and begrudging. We often pray His will and place it in His hands. We ask for an answer, we beg Him to fix it. Then we lay in bed in utter anxiety. We stress out. We talk to every person with a haggard life story as the main discussion. We pour out all the boxes because we can’t let go and let it be enough. We can’t allow our involvement and our opinion and our needs and wants and whateveritisforus to be undone by us.

So we undo whatever we can’t see God doing. We disregard it.

We disregard Him.

……….

Can you relate?

Does this frustrate, confuse, or encourage you? Please share!

……….

If you’re like me at all then you know how this routine goes.

So.

Let’s stop dumping and digging.

Let’s just let Him be enough. Let’s let Him do it, because i promise – where we are insufficient He is TOTALLY sufficient. And even where we’re sufficient He is 1000x more.

Just let the boxes be packed. And keep moving on.

Move on.

Move on past your need to “know”&”do”.

Want nothing less than what God’s doing.

day 20. aches&pains

Pressing in

To whatever

You have for me

Pressing on

Past the pain

Of letting go

Sucking in

Just one breath

Of relief

Pushing out

Of complacency

To new beginning

Again.

Again.

Again.

……………………………

Paperwork processed.

Now the wait.

Outside i can hear the water still rushing along – rain again. Drains almost overflowing. The street glittering with fallen leaves; yellows, browns, mingled piles now flattened.

My grandparents snore.

I’m too tired for words; yet i cannot sleep.

There is a deep unrest.

My back is aching.

My brain is full of …misfiring energy.

Doubts and fear and pain. Betrayal. And hurt. And whats and nots and stubborn nos.

There is also hope.

Hope mingled with the scarves a coward wears.

I am a coward. Today i realized i am a coward.

There were so many things left unsaid because i feared the “what if” outcome.

I allowed myself to step back everytime. I kept the curtains closed and i stayed indoors. And now, can i complain that i was misunderstood?

No.

So now the question is:

What shall i do about it?

*sigh* …speak up?