here i am again

So here i am again. Watching the office on my free time. Feels like dejavu….

Making ppt’s, and smiling and fooling around with students.

Last night i moved into the apartment I will occupy for the next year. I cleaned for about two and a half hours…and then I unpacked a few things. And I felt sadness.

There’s things in my life that I thought I’d given up – but I realize how much it’s triggered by stress.

*sigh*

Another opportunity to lay it down at Christs feet and say again, “be sufficient Lord!”.

Something else that’s been hard: unpacking.

Usually when i move in i unpack the first night. But i’ve lived out of my suitcase for two years while living with my grandparents. So now i find myself extremely hessitant to unpack.

(Now 5 days after starting this blog post) i’ve just finished unpacking.

At first when i started unpacking i realized i’d packed too many things…but now that i’m all unpacked i see that i did just fine. It was just enough and not too much.

………….

I cried last night.

Finished watching all the office seasons.

It was cathartic to cry. I didn’t add to what i felt. I just cried till the moment passed. Felt the pain and let the tears come. It felt good.

And also lonely.

………

I’d planned to adopt a rescue puppy when i got here. One of the ladies i knew before id left korea posted about two small dogs that unless saved would be put down. So i told her i’d take the one that wasn’t gonna be taken.

Shortly before i got here she informed me someone else got him.

It was actually a huge disappointment.

Lately i walk past the dog stores and look at them all.

I’ve found one i’m falling in love with.

……….

This is my current life.

Colon:

– i love my coworkers.

– i’m still in a dazed state of curiosity.

– i’m down to my last 50 dollars …and have a week before being paid..?

– i’ve been going to seoul (a 3.5 hour trip by metro train) for church every sunday.

– i’m thinking of buying the cutest little white dog….

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auto-pilot

Those imperceptible movements. The actions you’re not sure if you did…even as you do them because where does your conscience mind and muscle memory separate?

That’s where i am. Moving to the rhythm of my autopilot.

Everything seems like a dream. Not a dream come true, but like when you know you’re sleeping, but it all seems so real. And there is a resigned feeling to stay asleep just so you can see what will happen. That’s me now.

It’s been three days since I arrived in Korea.

I arrived at the airport around 5:23pm and got to my temporary housing in Cheonan around 11:30.

After I arrived I took a quick rinse and took a walk to the nearbye mart.

Once again my first Korean food was: banana milk. YUM!

……………………….

Sunday I woke up early and took a bus near to where I thought i could walk to where I was gonna start work the next day. *erg! what a mouthful*

I kind of walked past it…eventually found it and took the next train back north to Itaewon for church.

It was just as I’d hoped it would be – although I didn’t get the fellowship after-after church that I was hoping for – and I got stuck on freezing cold train platforms transfering around to get home.

…………………………

I arrived early on monday for work – stopped to pickup donuts, which were a hit 😉 – and had a good first day. It was as I remembered it being from working a few summers ago – and also improved.

My general feeling was relaxed and relieved.

……………………………

God has blessed me SO much all the way along to get here.

I bought my ticket three or four days before I was to arrive – found it under a thousand dollars and was able to get time (although at times anxiously) with my siblings.

My Mom took me to the airport (although I’d planned on spending the night with my Aunt and her family -) it was nice to know that I put in effort to spend time with my Mom. I felt harried and worn – and my kindness all but drained away.

I couldn’t help holding my Mom at arms-length-emotional-bay. It was tense and also strenious. I was critical and snippy. After i flew away i regretted how little love i’d shown my Mom.

I am reminded again how little control I have over myself.

…………………………….

My luggage was way over the weight limit which I was prepared to pay for. What I was not prepared for was the inability to just pay away the overage. It was so much over the weight limit that their workers comp disallowed it. So I had to buy more luggage and repack my vacuum sealed bags. At first it was a major downer – but there was actually a really convenient stand where a man sold really affordable, light weight (and apparently sturdy) luggage bags and even had a scale to recheck your luggage weights.

So i was able to accomplish easily my tedious task.

The cost of repacking and buying the luggage also saved me over $500 dollars.

………………………………

When I arrived in Korea my main worry was being able to get my now 5 pieces of luggage to Cheonan. I’d planned on taking the bullet train (KTX) which would cut my travel time to about one fourth. But with so many pieces of luggage and no elevator down to the train platform I worried that I might lose some pieces between transportation (- you just never know who’s willing to snatch stuff – especially in an international airport).

But thankfully (and despite the fear of not being able to transport so many bags and or paying extra fees again) I was able to get all my baggage onto a limousine bus and got to Cheonan with a normal fee ticket and by around 10:30.

Once I got there i realized (actually I thought about this on the bus ride but was helpless to help myself so I went to sleep – ) that I might have to acquire two different taxis to take my stuff to my location.

I dragged my bags from the bus as quickly as i could and then into the basement floor of the mall next to which we had been deposited and begged help from the mall attendant, who (thank the Lord) took mercy on me and called and asked a taxi about my situation. Then he watched over my stuff as i ran out to the taxi que (which was about a football field of halls away from my luggage spot).

Once I got to the front of the que – suddenly! – the mall attendant appeared and he begged the taxi driver to help me out – and then ran back into the mall.

I assumed that he was returning to his post – but once I got the taxi driver to maneuver back into the bottom of the parking structure nearest to the back mall doors – I found that he’d called a replacement and was lugging my bags out to the taxi!

We both feverishly dragged – tugged – and birthed my bags to the taxi where we packed that thing to the ceiling. I was so grateful and faint -it was all I could do to thank him and press an unexpected limp ten dollars into his confused hands before I bowed and jumped into the taxi.

I was so grateful to him and the taxi driver (who didn’t refuse or complain about my baggage) – I could have died. However, I realized halfway to my destination that (i think) the taxi driver was trying to make advances on me – so I declined his offer to help me take my baggage up the five floors once we arrived at the dormitory.

I did have to climb in a vent window though, to open the door to get in the building – as the place was all locked up for the night.

Thank God for unlocked windows!!

………………………………….

At church the next morning the Pastor talked about struggle.

About how real it is; -BUT.

He talked about how God works behind the struggle. That the devil wants us to focus only on the struggle – but that what we see and feel is all temporary – and what we do not see is eternal. He exhorted us that: “The struggle is real but.”

The struggle is real BUT GOD. He said, “Stop focusing on the temporary! Focus on the eternal!”

So, for now I’m gonna let autopilot be enough. I’m going to be grateful for the sufficiency that God’s provided. I’m gonna go with the flow until I have enough time to break down and miss everyone.

…………………………………

Yes. I did cry when the plane took off.

I miss you all.