I cant tell you how much it meant to me to that you let me sit with you and that you poured out your heart to me.
As you know youve been there for me and allowed me to just pour and pour and pour out to you my wilted hearts cries.
Partly full of boastful complaints about what ive done and left undone and what i miss about what i have done.
Theres so many words in my heart; its heavy like a too full waterballoon in the palm.
I want you to see me.
Not just see the part of me you see, but see the part that wants to prove im worthy of pouring into you in other ways. And in this i want you to see that you are not alone. And you are not abnormal in your struggle to be where and who God wants you to be as a minister of His Spirit and His Word to us, your siblings.
I know that i am not the kind of person you look up to. I can honestly say this without any bad feelings or motivations. Thats just how it is. I think the kind of person you would want to pour out your heart to, to get advice from, would be a person you look up to and are striving to be like. That person that does ministry right. That humble person. The person who is always striving to be what God wants. The person with the right words and the right theology. The person that isnt embarrassing and doesnt embarras the gospel of Christ.
I am not that person to you.
Im needy. Im faulty. And im full of complaining, grumbling, uncertainty and confusion and restlessness….restless dissatisfaction(s). I want to be too right. I need to know. Im not eloquent. I have words with no vocabulary under my tongue. I want to be wanted. I am too visible about keeping my ducks in order. I am awkward. A lot. I like being mysterious and i hedge what i share with people. I project an image. Im opinionated and intrusive. Somehow in my processing of every conversation i bring it around to myself and to my thoughts and my experiences. And yes. I fear my own narcissistic tendencies. Im also just a little too casual and whatever. Im not the most hygienicly appealing person.
I long. I long to prove to you that i am worthy to be looked up to by you. I want to prove that i have the right theology and that i can in fact impart serious God given wisdom to you.
I want to prove that because
1. I have that desire you voiced to me. Seriously. I have it. All that critiquing and evaluating and stuff. I do that all the time too with the church and books and my family and my friends.
2. I want you to know that not only am i (wow. This is my pride speaking) worthy to be looked up to by you (” “) but also that we can mutually share. That with me, out of anyone, that with me you can be yourself and i accept you; just as i feel youve accepted me. That with me you can stop holding your shoulders straight. That with me you can be whoever and not fear being less than God wants you to be. That with me i see you as i see myself. (Youre amazing. You love the Lord and youre striving with all you are to be right where He wants you, how He wants you, who He wants you.)
But when i sat down, my heart beating in my throat so awed to be able to hear your heart all i could hear as i prayed “Lord give me wisdom! Only you know what she needs to hear” all i could hear was the calm assurance to Listen. Just Listen.
So i want you to know.
Your struggle to maintain your appearance and status with others is mine too.
It may not seem like it, but it is. I feel…totally able …yet totally inadequate. And i wish i could stand up and prove to everyone that my words can move mountains.
I want to prove to you that im worthy of your vulnerability. That i once was in church a kind of person you would have looked up to. I had the roles. I had the titles. I had the words and the clothes and the carriage. I had the humility.
And its been a long time since i feel ive lived up to what people would look up to and acknowledge as a obvious pedalstool Christian. The kind of person asked to speak a lot. Why? Because ive been a teacher in another country for the past 3 years. Its hard being in america and its hard for me to get back into the american christian rhythm. And its hard for me to stop observing and start calling out again. Its much easier right now for me to see what i left, what i lack, who i am not, and how close to 40 i am with little to nothing to show for it.
Right now God has me in the stillness.
Why am i writing this? I want you to know my instinct to prove myself. How devastating i can get inside on myself. As C.S. Lewis wrote:
“If God forgave us, we must forgive ourselves.
Otherwise it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.”
Isn’t this also true in our grace of eachother in our walk with Christ? With ourselves? As long as we are striving?
How can i not, how can you not, in your striving also have grace on yourself and also on those nearest you in the family of God? Grace does not overlook error, but in fact speaks love over it. Love covers over a multitude of sins. It speaks in love. Grace.
Love others as yourself. Accept Gods grace. Give grace. Allow yourself to grow in the soil of grace.
I want to prove to you that you have nothing to fear with me. But who am i? Who am i???? Im showing you my presumption and pride speaking. me. Just me without all my masks, saying, i see you and your feelings are ok. And i see you. And i love you.
Should i be writing this? Is this right? Is this what and who and how i want it to be? How i need it to be??
I dont know.
Overcome my fear Jesus. You are sufficient. Take my offering…make it count.
Thanks for sharing with me.
O dust blowing in the tunneling wind of Gods grace and love…what knowest thou?