vulnerability

Friend,

I cant tell you how much it meant to me to that you let me sit with you and that you poured out your heart to me.

As you know youve been there for me and allowed me to just pour and pour and pour out to you my wilted hearts cries.

Partly full of boastful complaints about what ive done and left undone and what i miss about what i have done.

Theres so many words in my heart; its heavy like a too full waterballoon in the palm.

I want you to see me.

Not just see the part of me you see, but see the part that wants to prove im worthy of pouring into you in other ways. And in this i want you to see that you are not alone. And you are not abnormal in your struggle to be where and who God wants you to be as a minister of His Spirit and His Word to us, your siblings.

I know that i am not the kind of person you look up to. I can honestly say this without any bad feelings or motivations. Thats just how it is. I think the kind of person you would want to pour out your heart to, to get advice from, would be a person you look up to and are striving to be like. That person that does ministry right. That humble person. The person who is always striving to be what God wants. The person with the right words and the right theology. The person that isnt embarrassing and doesnt embarras the gospel of Christ.

I am not that person to you.

Im needy. Im faulty. And im full of complaining, grumbling, uncertainty and confusion and restlessness….restless dissatisfaction(s). I want to be too right. I need to know. Im not eloquent. I have words with no vocabulary under my tongue. I want to be wanted. I am too visible about keeping my ducks in order. I am awkward. A lot. I like being mysterious and i hedge what i share with people. I project an image. Im opinionated and intrusive. Somehow in my processing of every conversation i bring it around to myself and to my thoughts and my experiences. And yes. I fear my own narcissistic tendencies. Im also just a little too casual and whatever. Im not the most hygienicly appealing person.

And yet….

I long. I long to prove to you that i am worthy to be looked up to by you. I want to prove that i have the right theology and that i can in fact impart serious God given wisdom to you.

I want to prove that because

1. I have that desire you voiced to me. Seriously. I have it. All that critiquing and evaluating and stuff. I do that all the time too with the church and books and my family and my friends.

2. I want you to know that not only am i (wow. This is my pride speaking) worthy to be looked up to by you (” “) but also that we can mutually share. That with me, out of anyone, that with me you can be yourself and i accept you; just as i feel youve accepted me. That with me you can stop holding your shoulders straight. That with me you can be whoever and not fear being less than God wants you to be. That with me i see you as i see myself. (Youre amazing. You love the Lord and youre striving with all you are to be right where He wants you, how He wants you, who He wants you.)

But when i sat down, my heart beating in my throat so awed to be able to hear your heart all i could hear as i prayed “Lord give me wisdom! Only you know what she needs to hear” all i could hear was the calm assurance to Listen. Just Listen.

So i want you to know.

Your struggle to maintain your appearance and status with others is mine too.

It may not seem like it, but it is. I feel…totally able …yet totally inadequate. And i wish i could stand up and prove to everyone that my words can move mountains.

I want to prove to you that im worthy of your vulnerability. That i once was in church a kind of person you would have looked up to. I had the roles. I had the titles. I had the words and the clothes and the carriage. I had the humility.

And its been a long time since i feel ive lived up to what people would look up to and acknowledge as a obvious pedalstool Christian. The kind of person asked to speak a lot. Why? Because ive been a teacher in another country for the past 3 years. Its hard being in america and its hard for me to get back into the american christian rhythm. And its hard for me to stop observing and start calling out again. Its much easier right now for me to see what i left, what i lack, who i am not, and how close to 40 i am with little to nothing to show for it.

Right now God has me in the stillness.

Why am i writing this? I want you to know my instinct to prove myself. How devastating i can get inside on myself. As C.S. Lewis wrote:

“If God forgave us, we must forgive ourselves.

Otherwise it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.”

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Isn’t this also true in our grace of eachother in our walk with Christ? With ourselves? As long as we are striving?

How can i not, how can you not, in your striving also have grace on yourself and also on those nearest you in the family of God? Grace does not overlook error, but in fact speaks love over it. Love covers over a multitude of sins. It speaks in love. Grace.

Love others as yourself. Accept Gods grace. Give grace. Allow yourself to grow in the soil of grace.

I want to prove to you that you have nothing to fear with me. But who am i? Who am i???? Im showing you my presumption and pride speaking. me. Just me without all my masks, saying, i see you and your feelings are ok. And i see you. And i love you.

Should i be writing this? Is this right? Is this what and who and how i want it to be? How i need it to be??

I dont know.

Overcome my fear Jesus. You are sufficient. Take my offering…make it count.

Thanks for sharing with me.

O dust blowing in the tunneling wind of Gods grace and love…what knowest thou?

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Choices

Its a long account of whats been going on and what i feel and how i can serve God with my life. Ready?…

Ive been here now 9 months. And over the course of that time ive been pretty much 100% caring for my Grandparents. In july i started going to church (1hr a week) in august i started to help with jr high on thursday night (2hrs a week)

In january i started working for a lady on fridays (1day) with underthetableunderminimumwagepay to offset/payfor gas money and car repairs.

When i originally came it was for “a couple weeks” till my Grandfather got his car situation straightened. I didnt ask but was relieved my Grandfather said if i came he was gonna pay me. Because there was no set stay time i didnt move out of my place in sac and so of course kept paying my rent.

I came here june 1st. By the end of august he said he wanted me to stay living with them.

Mid september i was finally able to make it up to sac and move out of my place and put my stuff into storage.

By november id depleted my savings.

And by mid january the work that me and my grandpa and my aunt and her family had done to renevate my Grandparents rental (since the tenant had died end of July) was done.

Around that time my Grandpa kept saying i dont wanna depend on you. We dont depend on you. (While also indicating to others that he is helping me out cause i dont know what i want to do with my life and that hes his wifes fulltime caregiver. Which could have been almost true up to when i arrived except for the fact that my aunt -whose health is almost as bad as my grandmothers – was coming over everyday and helping.) And other such things indicating that he thinks i have a lot of money in the bank and that he and my Grandma are in no way impeding me from living my life how i want.

Since i came to live with him he has not paid me or mentioned paying me. He leaves daily when he wants and returns when he wants. And makes sure to let me know what he wants done.

This has been very stressful for me because he “doesnt know” or acknowledge that i do anything or am needed.

I know part of him knows that he needs me and part of him believes me eating with them and living here is compensation for “whatever” i do or have done.

But in reality thats not true.

Anytime i have wanted or needed to do anything he sees that as frivolous which also is wearing me down.

He finds ways of commenting on my “lack of work” by saying things like:

“You were busy?!” As if thats a joke

And “i cant see why anyone needs to go out to coffee. What a waste of money…..ooookay.”

As if hes condescending to let me go.

I know love is an action without expectation of compensation and part of me knows that im exaggerating how it is by harboring all the negative points and sharing that only.

But inside the realization that hes just like my father and having to endure thats made me struggle a lot with not becoming bitter.

Initially id only considered and then decided to leave korea to help them. And i had planned to stay until january and at that time return to korea.

After being here i realized how much im needed and if i left korea for this – shouldnt i stick it out??

Anyway. Without me my Grandma will really suffer.

I feel self inflicted: guilt and pressure and inadequacy.

I also realize how much the Lords answered so many of my prayers the last 5 years for spiritual growth with me being here.

Ive learned so much about self control and prayer and working thru anger and pouring out my conflicts and anxieties to him. (And still am learning!). Patience. Kindness. Blahblahblah (deepdown how bad i really am. How much i need Him. How hes the only one that can satisfy my. How He has a plan….Hes still trying to show me. I have so much doubt about His goodness towards me. As if i must grasp for some goodness for myself because His goodness will be “healthy” and not tasty.)

Anyway.

There were so many plans i had for last year before i thought id be helping them. I was supposed to visit my best friend Jenn. My sister and her kids in Arizona. My brother in Alaska. My boosom friend in sacramento. And spend a month with my Korean friend traveling around america. And other friends. Dear friends. I wanted to suck up enough of my friends to make up for how much ive missed them all these past 3 years. Catchup. Fellowship.

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But then my Grandad totaled his car just as i was finishing up my purge of my belongings. Partly perfect timing. And then dwindling money and my Grandparents …. i canceled all my trips and gave them up for another time. (“God knows” -i thought at the time)

Then a few weeks ago my korean friend who was my best friend in korea who i was gonna travel with, she emails me and says “hey. Im getting married.

…can you come?”

So a friend sent me money to go see her wedding. Ill be gone for two weeks. Ill be leaving for korea next week when i thought that the next time i go to korea will be when i go for good.

Almost going to the exact day i left.

Im afraid.

Afraid its going to break my heart.

Afraid ill feel like i dont belong anymore.

Ive been struggling for a year feeling like i no longer belong anywhere. Disjointed. Alone.

Yesterday i got an email recommending me for a job a few miles from here. A job that comes with an apartment and requires only 2 hours a night and 8-10 weekend hours.

Im thinking….is it just bad timing? Do i want an american job? Will i get stuck?

Can it still work to be doing that and helping my grandparents? Should i return to korea? Whats your will God? What do you want from me?….how can i serve you with my life God?

Ive been waiting for a release from God be it death of a Grandparent or otherwise. Is this it?

Or is this nothing?

How do i be still and wait upon the Lord? How do i know if the clouds lifted or not?

How do i deal with my guilt and anger?

How do i make choices that arent totally self centered?

How do i know if a thought is wisdom or just a flight instinct?

Anyway. I…may be outta words now…

……………………………..

People keep saying stuff like they admire me

And how i’m doing the right thing

And even i am thinking these things, sorta, about how noble i am and how im doing what everyone should be doing and how im storing up treasures in heaven….blahblahblah.

But in reality, im no saint. Im only part good hearted and the rest is just fear of doing the wrong thing.

Theres nothing amazing about me. Im full of grumbling and complaints. Im no mother teresa. There is a huge part of me thats asking “what am i getting out of this? What will i?”

God alone knows my heart and mind – and by His grace whatever is there that is right and good and noble, He put there; and i cannot claim it.

……………………………..

Deuteronomy 30:14-20 (NIV)

14 No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it.

15 See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction.16 For I command you today to love theLord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.

17 But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, 18 I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed.You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

19 This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live20 and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

….

John 14:6

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

….

2015-03-05-13-02-35How does that look Lord??