If you could really know me – have followed me around in life then you would know something about me that few people could imagine if I didn’t always find a way – if possible – to announce to the world that I am an incredible doer.
What am I talking about?
Here I go – (see what I mean? I will and probably already have found a way to tell you how good I am) – I went to a high ranking University and during that two year period I got two four year degrees.
How is that possible?
I am an incredible doer. I thrive on check off lists. You give me a task and if I’ve had time to think it through, or see it done, then I will do it better and faster than anyone else. At least that is my impression of myself and my work. Because I am an incredible doer. I like to do and I like to have work done by myself. I like to know that I am able.
And that is how I became bolimic.
And that is how I learned that I am even better at not doing then doing.
I have learned how to do with very little. It was part of how I grew up – and then later as I grew up, in an attempt to center myself more fully in God’s will and fight off my weaknesses, I learned to control my desires –
…at least I thought I had. I thought I was.
But when I finally was over being overwieght and decided to use my control skills on my eating, and later contemplated that time I learned something about myself that shocked me.
What I learned was that what I was really good at wasn’t self control and doing something, but I was an expert at not doing anything.
Do you get it? –What do I mean?
What I mean is that being careful about what you eat and don’t eat, and being intentional about walking and running and attending a gym is a LOT more hard than just not eating.
You might argue with me that not eating is much harder – but I promise you that it’s not.
I stopped eating for over four months.
I drank juices and teas and a whole lot of coffee to stop the hunger pains until they no longer existed. And when the pains went away it hurt more to eat than not eat. Whenever I ate, whatever I ate i immediately regurgitated. It was easy. It was even satisfying. When the food stopped heaving out in clumps and the bile came out in strings then there was a rush of dopemine.
I’m not recommending bolemia.
But there’s steriotypes surrounding it that misconstru how it is. It becomes addictive because it is in fact very satisfying.
Then in the spring when I left my country and moved back to my birthplace and started cleaning up my four years worth of storage something terrible, and to this day irreversible, happened. I fractured my back.
Whatever strength I still had amidst my addiction had sapped me of the nutrients I needed to keep my core together – and after several years of thinking my decisions through I realized that I was not in fact as good at things as I thought.
I was, I realized, far better at not doing – if I could get away with it.
But the shortcuts I was taking were reaping cuts that I couldn’t afford.
I ponder what spiritual shortcuts we are taking that will cut blessings from our life we desire?
I wonder what cuts are cutting things out of my life; forever.
After that season I slowly and painfully – like an addict does – worked my way back to a normal eating lifestyle. But my back hasn’t been the same.
Besides struggling whenever my back has a super bad day, the other effect of my bolimic past is that my awareness of how I lack is helping me notice what I am not good at doing and asking the Lord to grow me in those areas.
He is so faithful not to let go of us. Even when we undo ourselves into broken corners he finds ways to use our brokenness to bring us closer still to himself.
My bolimic undoing undid the ties of pride that held me upright. It exposed the mask of accomplishment for what it was and helped me to learn more about what it really means to rely on the Lord.
After all, when you can’t even finish what you started in the bathroom, there’s a desperation that leads to more prayers than you knew how to pray beforehand.