processing the now

So. I wrote a whole blog. I kind of poured out my heart. And i hit “action” and the whole thing disappeared.

And my heart is still in my throat.

I kinda totally absolutely hate this mobile wordpress version gonadal kick “update” that is so terrible i can’t even put to words how badly it works.

….ok. vented.

Here’s a redo. But i can’t promise anything.

Aka: It’s gonna be bad. Because i really poured it all out so well last time. Which means i have nothing much left to give.


So, i’m walking out to my car and all i hear in my head is the strains of “Goodbye Wilson”

And i so desperately want to break into heaving unbreathable sobs and fall into something soft and enveloping like a big feather blanket.

But i don’t and i can’t.


Yea. Nope. Nothing happening.

I’m sure around the two week mark in korea i’m going to have this sudden hitch in my throat and i’m going to just burst out in snotty faced tears.

I’ve been trained to process everything logically. To be responsible. To move on. Do what needs to be done.

To can it all.

So i’m wrapping up literally the last days with my grandparents. Things happened. And i’m returning to Korea. And Tim, the youth pastor, had the HighSchool kids do an affirmation circle for me last night.

Which was amazing and – just blew my heart up into pixi dust.

I know that a lot of us never get this kind of thing happen for us. And for me i’ve been battered with words so much that i’m afraid i suffer from not knowing the difference between guarding and hardening my heart.

So i was sitting there desperately praying that God would let my heart accept the words the kids were showering on me.

“Carolyn what i’m so grateful for about you is…”

Is that the line? Honestly there’s very little i can remember i was in a kind of overwhelm from the kind and healing words running down over my entire being.

Words that whispered, “I’ve been using you!” in a voice i knew well. That voice you forget until you hear and know it. The voice that urges me to come, and rest. The voice that says, “be still”.

Later that night one of the girls sent me a kind of summary version of the night:

“C- is for the way you openingly, universally, and genuinely Care about every person you meet

A- is for the Amazing sense of style you have. It’s truly inspiring because of your humble confidence. Your style is always colorful, bright, exciting and open just like you.

R- is for your Rare gift of pure passion and enthusiasm for God and all his children.

O- is for your constant Original yet relatable advice and ideas that help so many people.

L- is for the way you truly Live this life to its fullest. The way you Live as God’s hands an feet, as a humble example of Christ and the ways he loves with all he is.

I- is for how much I and many other people like me have been eternally blessed by your presence and gifts from God. We will are all forever changed and forever inspired by your presence.

N- is for how you literally Never give up. How you Never stop no matter what. How you never lose trust in God. You Never complain yet I know how much you’ve been through, and even in your darkest times you remained in Gods presence. Never stop. Never change. Never give up Caroline.

E- Is for your Exceptional Spark. You sparkle Carline. Literally and Metaphorically. You’re loving pure soul shines and emanates through your actions, your words, your powerful silence, You’re Sparkle.


Never stop Sparkling.


Thank you so incredibly much Caroline for sparkling in my life these past years. I love you. May God bless you.”

I’m gonna miss you guys =”(


3 thoughts on “processing the now

  1. Beautiful. I cried right when someone said, “I’ve been using you.”
    Wow. I just cried again when I thought of that. Maybe that means I really need to hear that too.
    And sorry about the stupid update erasing your post. I have been so frustrated as stuff like that. Two things I’ve learned (you’ve probably already learned them too): 1)Always swipe down and let it update before your open an existing draft 🙂 and 2) sometimes you can dig around in previous drafts, or the back button and dig up the latest copy. but it’s a scary pain.
    Peace to you, Caroline. Safe travels, sister!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw Ross =’)

      He IS using you!!! Know it. Swallow it. Let it sink down to that hungry place inside you!
      It’s true.
      He’s already used you so much to talk to me! And i know i’m not the only one =’)
      Press on brother!!
      Thanks for your comment – and encouragement (i have tried those things and sometimes it works!! This time it didnt =/ anyway your sharing with me) it means a lot to me! So thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

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